What If I'm A Bobble Head?

They stand guard over my office. Night and day. Summer, fall, winter, spring. No matter to them. They have a job to do. They are a highly committed team of fearsome warriors. Their presence makes me feel somehow ... safer.

From left to right you can view them.

Wally. He is a pirate. I know, Wally is not a very good pirate name. It is just that he is often undercover and who would suspect a guy named Wally to be carrying a sword? Well, ok. It looks like a beer mug but it's all part of the covert operation thing. Make Wally mad and that mug will turn into a flashing blade. Wally is on my side. He doesn't say much these days. His mouth does not work. He's just a bobble head.

Then there is Norman. Norman does not have a spring loaded neck. He is an old country preacher carved out of wood especially for me by an old friend. Norman (don't call him "Norm." He does not like that.) sports a brimmed hat and a pair of over-alls. With his bible spread open in his left hand and his index finger pointing skyward on his right hand there is not doubt he is preaching the truth in rural America. Still, you will have to just trust his posture and his wardrobe because blocks of wood do not speak either.

Moving on we come to NunZilla. I guess her hame is Sister. I've never called a nun by her first name before even though I have occasionally known what their first name is. Sister NunZilla is angry. With a capital "A." Her head does not bobble either but she has this little key sticking out of her side. If you wind her up and let her go she walks with an angry step and sparks fly out of her mouth. It's all kind of scary. I suspect that is why she is looking at the next guy on the shelf. He tore up her little play house because his name is ...

Martin Luther. Martin is my favorite bobble head. He is clutching the bible that he translated into German, setting fire to what we fondly call "The Reformation." I suspect their is a 95 point thesis in the folds of his robe somewhere. What a guy. What a hero. Martin is my favorite biblical character that is not actually in the bible. I feel certain that if the bible had a "Part 2" there would be a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Martin in there somewhere. My Martin is pretty cool but, alas, he too is quiet. He's been in my collection for years and he has yet to utter a word. He is a bobble head.

John Calvin is just stage left (that's your right) to Martin. As far as I know John never kept much of a garden but he is responsible for more T.U.L.I.P. than any one else I have ever known. Ever heard of Calvinism or Calvinists? He's your guy. Most people do not realize that Calvinism's 5 main points were not original to Calvin. They were a product of "The Synod of Dort." (Don't ask.) I know all of this stuff because many of the people I studied with were Calvinists. He influences my thinking but we don't agree on everything. I like Martin better. Still, Calvin is way up there on my list of silent people. I mean, being a bobble head and all.

The next guy you are going to know. He's a giant of a man. His name is Billy Graham. They say that Billy has preached to more people than any other person in history. I believe that is probably true. But even if it is true, and even though he holds his bible in his hand, in my office he pretty much stands there. Quietly. His little bobble head bounces everytime I kick the wall under my desk.

Last and definately least we come to Alfred E. Neuman. You may remember him from the cover of Mad Magazine. When I was a kid Alfred and his magazine were much cooler than they are now. It was satire at its best. I would spend hours pouring over it's pages seeking the often hidden and multiple meaning behind every sentence. And then there was the tri-fold back cover. Man, those were the days. Alfred may be the least of my collection but he holds a special place in my heart. No, he does not speak either but his pedestal does recite his favorite line. "What? Me worry?"

I have a list of people I am searching for in the wonderful world of bobbleism. I frequently search e-bay to see who is new and available. I google people at random. My current quests involve both Charles Spurgeon and Dwight Moody. I know they are out there somewhere. I can hear them calling my name. I have found Sigmund Freud but out of respect for my mother I did not buy him.

As much as I love my bobble headed friends they all have a fatal flaw. They are silent. Not a peep slips from their cold plastic lips. Sometimes, especially late at night when the house is quiet, I sit and stare at them and I wonder ... what would they say if they could talk? Of course, I will never know. These are the mass produced versions of the real deal.

Which leads me to my next point of pondering.

What if I am a bobble head? What if I am nothing more than a spring loaded pile of hardened plastic, painted into blue jeans and a sweat shirt? What if God does not have anything more for me to say? What if I am all talked out? What if I am on the shelf? What if there is a fire breathing nun, or far worse, a spark spitting WMU'er sneaking up behind me? What if I have carried out my last assignment? What if ...

What if I lay off the late night slice of pepperoni and onion and maybe got a little more sleep instead...