Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Reflections From A Parking Garage

(A follow-up appointment at "The Retina Institute" today required the dilation of my eyes again. This time it was rather unexpected and I drove alone. And operating a vehicle while 75% blind is not a good idea. So here I sits ... in a hospital parking garage ... 3 hours after the appointment ... waiting for normalcy so that I can negotiate rush hour and return home. In order to avoid wasting this time in totality I have chose to learn from the experience. And thus I submit to you, kind reader, "Reflections From A Parking Garage.")

-Parking garages do not have wifi. This could seriously hinder the war on terror. I have been scouring incoming vehicles for potential car bombs. Yet if I spot one my ability to disrupt it's devious and diabolical plans take a serious blow because I cannot hit buttons at random in an attempt to detonate the bomb before it reaches its target. This could cost me my well earned nickname "Captain Safety." Would somebody fix this problem, please?

-Parking garages bounce. I know, I know. If they didn't bounce they would snap apart under the tremendous pressure of cars zipping back and forth. The bounce absorbs the punishment. After 3 hours the trampoline effect has me queazy. This particular garage may well survive the day, but it also might do so with the contents of my stomach on its conscience.

-Speaking of the contents of my stomach. There aren't any. I didn't know I would be spending the entire afternoon here. I have a half eaten bottle of Planters Honey Roasted Peanuts to keep me company. Sad to think that Chick-Fil-A is only a couple of miles further down the highway.

-I keep looking in the mirror to check on my eyes. Like every 5 minutes. And there is absolutely zero color. Just this black line where the iris (I think that's what they call that colored circle thingy) is suppose to be. This isn't a good sign. Parking garages are dark. I walked outside to get some fresh air about an hour ago and GOOD LORD, IT'S BRIGHT OUT THERE!!!! It appeared to be Armageddon but it was just the sun, which is selling off all it's rays at discounted prices in preparation for a bleak winter.

-I cannot help but wonder if you can die from carbon monoxide in an indoor parking lot that has no doors and no walls. You aren't suppose to be able to smell carbon monoxide but I ... oh ... wait ... I think the peanuts are causing ... never mind.

-Why won't radio signals penetrate into parking structures? Aren't they suppose to be our first line of information in case of enemy attack or tornadoes or something? Do you have ANY IDEA how many people are in the parking garages of America at any given moment? I don't either but I'll bet it's a lot. And we are all at risk because of shoddy radio signals. I'm not sure who to blame so I'll put it on Obama. He's taking the blame for everything else.

-I've been waiting for the coppers or detectives or "special agents" to come by and shoot the place up. As of yet ... and I'm closing in on 4 hours ... not one. This flies in the face of everything I have ever learned on "Hawaii 5 0." So who is lying? Hollywood or the parking garage? I leave it for you to decide. But while we are on the subject, what the heck is so "special" about a "special agent?" Are there "not so special agents?" Or simply, "agents?" And if so, why don't they ever get on a tv show? I smell conspiracy. Obama.

-I am on Level 3 Section C. I wonder who is parked right under me. I wonder if they know how many peanuts I have eaten.

Do you suppose anybody famous has ever parked exactly where I am right now? Like Larry Conners maybe. Or Albert Pujols (who will look stunning next to the ivory in blue pinstripes next April.) or perhaps somebody of national significance like "Becky The Queen Of Carpets."

-Who says you can't learn anything in a parking garage?