Wednesday, September 02, 2009

SLAP '09

So it seems that this guy was walking through a Wal-Mart in Stone Mountain, Georgia when he happened across a 2 year old who was making noise. That's what 2 year olds do. They make noise. They also make snot, poop, and a general mess out of everything they touch. But noise is way high on the "things to make" list for 2 year old kids. Our friend didn't like the noise and so he warned the mom to shut the kid up or he would shut the kid up for her. Mom didn't get the job done. So the man slapped the kid 4 times. Then the kid really started screaming. Ya see, that's the other thing that is wrong with 2 year olds. There ISN'T a volume button. Still, this guy is deep in the aforementioned poop. I'm thinking he's seen his last Wal-Mart for a while. That's not an entirely bad thing for him.

But it all got me thinking. There are people I would like to slap the snot out of. If perchance I run across them strapped into a shopping cart at my local Wal-Mart I just might take a shot. It would be selfish of me to keep their identities to myself. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present you with my "Most Slappable People" list as of 09-13-09. Pray you are not on it.

In no particular order ...

-Whitney Houston. She should have either quit singing after filming "The Body Guard" or she should have hung out with a higher class of husband.

-Shaq. He's 0 for 3 in "Shaq VS" having lost to everybody he's taken on. I think next week he has a "nursing contest" against the ob/gyn ward at Barnes Hospital.

-Ben & Jerry. They changed the name of their amazing "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby" to celebrate the state of Vermont granting same sex marriage licenses. No more "Chunky Monkey" for me. I'm not boycotting. I'm just afraid they'll allow people to start marrying monkeys and I can't stand the thought of losing that banana goodness in the name of all that is politically correct.

-Miyuki Hatoyama. She's married to Japanese Prime Minister Elect, Yukio Hatoyama. She also says she was abducted by aliens, traveled to Venus on a UFO while asleep, and Knew Tom Cruise in a former life. Well, at least 2 out of 3 were potentially fun.

-Katie Voitek. She's my niece and she ISN'T coming to visit me this weekend with her parents. Excuses, excuses, Katie! NO VANILLA FOR YOU!

-Doctor ButtFeel. No explanation needed. Just follow the
link -----> Link

-The entire 2009 Chicago Cubs. For rolling over, dying, and ruining the perfect fall I had planned.

Consider yourselves all slapped.

There. I feel better already.


misskate88 said...

yikes! i got called out, and i made a comment before whitney or shaq could log on...i'm gonna be sure not to be strapped into a cart when i know you're around

Anonymous said...

Very funny...I am glad I didn't make the list, although I probably am deserving of a few. Katie probably needs to put you on her list.

Jeff your brother

laura said...

Okay....I'm not sure Whitney deserves to be slapped because she made mistakes in her life as a younger woman. She did manage to flip it around and I"m personally very excited for her new album.

Shaq can't be slapped just because he can't beat some of the greatest athletes in the world in the sport they are the greatest at! He's also old. And HUGE!!

You have no mercy in your heart :)

Ron said...

Whitney deserves to be slapped because she threw away a very lucrative career in exchange for getting beat up and doing highly illegal drugs. That = stupid. Not just stupid. It is an elevated level of stupidity. And now she sings on Oprah (mistake #2) and sounds like my Aunt Myrtle after accidently gargling Drano. Those were not "mistakes" my dear. They started with "stupid" and progressed into "potential prison sentence." Add to that the fact that she claimed to love to sing gospel in her early days and her actions rob the world of a beautiful voice proclaiming truth that many just might have listened to. THAT deserves slapping.

As for Shaq, you may have a point. But it's my blog so I win. :)

As for my mercy level. Are you new here?

misskate88 said...

better check it out, i am fighting back!