Wednesday, August 07, 2002

"M-T." When I was in college those letters meant that a particular class met on Monday's and Thursday's. On a map, if you remove the dash, it stands for "Montana." If you are driving across America it means "mountain time." But today those letters represent what I feel like at the end of a Wednesday. Good old "hump day." It has 24 hours, just like every other day. One sunrise. One high noon. One sunset. It is just that there is so much more packed between them. Sometimes I wonder why God doesn't provide some kind of exemption for fatigue when you pooped out trying to do right. In the mid to late 1970's I worked in a couple of factories. It put bread on my newly wed table and paid the rent and tuition. Anybody who does that kind of work knows what you have to put up with to do it. They can be hot beds of rude and crude conversation. Some days I would go home feeling more dirty from what I had heard and seen than from what I had done. But I knew I had earned the fatigue. My last semester of college I took 18 hours of classes. I wanted to get done. That's a tough load. I also worked full time as a youth minister. On top of that I drove a school bus morning and evening. Oh, did I mention that Debbie was also pregnant with Scott that fall? At the end of each day I was tired and I knew why. But somehow, as I have gotten older, as my job descriptions have changed, I don't really understand how I get so tired. I never loved college. I pretty much hated factory work. But I knew that I had to do those things if I would ever be able to do what I do today... minister to people in the name of Jesus in an "all day/full time" kind of way. And I knew that God had told me that was what He wanted me to do. So I did it. And now I do what I love. I spend the day either sharing God's love with people, planning how I am going to share God's love with people, or brainstorming about how my church can do a better job of sharing God's love with people. All in all it is pretty fulfilling. So why in the world am I so tired at the end of a Wednesday? Why do I feel so M-T after Sunday comes to a conclusion? Hey, I'm not whining. This is how I WANT to spend my life. I just don't understand. Last year was pretty tough. It's less tough this year but still, sometimes, I get that old taste of 2001 in my mouth. And I don't like it one bit. God and I both know I am a long way from perfect. We both see plenty of room for improvement. Anybody who watches me (or worse yet, LISTENS to me,) for just a few minutes knows I have a long way to go to really "be Jesus" to other people. But I am trying. Really I am. I just somehow have this thought in my head that at the end of a day like this one I should feel good. I should feel satisfaction. But more and more often I think about all that still needs to be done and I feel M-T. How is it that you can feel the presence of God without feeling the filling of God? How can you feel His smile and still feel drained? I can't answer that one. If I ever figure it out I promise not to write a book about it. I think I would feel guilty charging for information that important. I'll just email it too everybody on my list. Those who ruthlessly delete it.... serves 'em right.