I See ...

Tomorrow I am doing the one thing I hate worse than going to the dentist. Wait. I hate throwing up worse than going to the dentist too. So that's two things. And then there is kayaking. (Except for on snow. I love to kayak down snow covered hills. Preferably backward. No, I'm not kidding.) Oh, and trying to explain to my cell phone company why I refuse to pay their stupid "activation fee" when I already have six of their stinken cell phones and a contract that doesn't end until Rudy Giuliani kisses and makes up with HIllary. Aren't I "activated" enough for cryin out loud? Yes, I won the argument. Thank you for asking.

I think I maybe should just start over.

Tomorrow I have to go to the eye doctor. Actually he's an optho ... optho ... ok, sound it out with me because I can't spell it OR find it in the dictionary. (How are you supposed to find the correct spelling of a word by using a dictionary which REQUIRES that you know how to spell the word in order to look it up??? I hate that worse than the dentist too...) Tomorrow I have to go to the OP - THO - MALL - A - JUST. He's more expensive than a simple OP -TOM - A - TRUST. So he must know more. And tomorrow at 3pm central daylight time (in case you want to be praying) I have to go sit in his chair. That part is just fine. But then I know what he's going to want to do.

HE'S GOING TO WANT TO TOUCH MY EYE!

This is way high on my list of no-no's. Nobody touches my eye. Not my right. Not my left. If you want me to look in a cool little scope and tell you which way the "E" is pointing, fine. I can do that. If you want to put eye drops in my eyes we can make that happen too. I'll just close my eyes and you squeeze your miracle drops into the corner of my eyes and then I'll open them and your stuff will get in my eyes. Deal? They always say, "no deal." Then they make the OP - THO - ASSIST - A - MALL - A - JUST sit on my feet until I stop kicking while the doctor uses one arm to get me in a half nelson and hold me down and the other hand to pry my eye open and stick his potion directly onto my cornea. And if that is not bad enough his drop of stuff makes my already over sized pupils open up like my son Christopher's mouth when I bake Chicago deep dish pizza. And that is HUGE. And then I can't see. (After the eye drops, not after the pizza. I can see just fine after the pizza.) I mean isn't the eye doctor guy supposed to make you see better? Then how come I go to see him and I drive myself to his office but when I leave my wife has to drive me home? Hmm? Isn't there something wrong with that logic? And for his final act he puts this thing about 1/1,000,000,000th of an inch from my eye and hits a button that shoots air that would make a jet engine jealous right into it. AND I DON'T LIKE THAT. And then ... (excuse me, I'm getting queasy) ... because he doesn't trust that test enough, he actually ROLLS SOME LITTLE WHEEL ACROSS MY EYE!!!!! All in the name of making certain that I don't have glucoma. Geez! A couple of years ago I went to see Dr. Dufus when I was sick, sick, sick and his test showed that I was one precious point below the beginning level of glucoma. That scared him which in turn scared me. So now I have to go to his torture chamber once a year even though he admitted last year that I was no longer that close to GLU - COMB - A. "Why," you ask? Beeeecause heee saaaaysss sssoooo.

And tonight I got a phone call from a church that wants to consider me as their future pastor. I do not know how many people go to their church but I believe the population of their community has been hovering around 12 for the last decade. That sounds like a very biblical number to me. So how about I skip my appointment tomorrow and go there as their first blind pastor? They can do the Jesus thing and spit in the dirt and make mud and rub it on my CLOSED eye lids. We can make it a yearly event. You've got Christmas, you've got Good Friday, you've got Easter, and now you've got Spit In Ron's Closed Eyes Day. Sounds like a deal I'd make.

But something tells me Debbie's going to make me go to the optho ...optho ... awwwforgetaboutit. Don't send your white canes with postage due...