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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Not that you asked ...

1. I cannot spit worth a rat’s patootie. This is an insult to my maleness. I remember watching my father when I was a boy. When he had to spit you could hear him work it up for blocks around. It began as a scraping noise deep in his throat and slowly emerged upward and outward. Small children would cling to their mother's skirts when dad would let one go. Stray dogs would whimper and run for the tree line. Dad never taught me this skill. That may just be the one thing I cannot forgive him for. I was substituting in Jr. High physical education today. We are still playing flag football. I got a mouthful of dust and felt the need to remove it. I tried to be like dad. I tried to BE dad. But all I got was moisture of the scattered variety. I do think I lost the respect of the entire red team.

2. Lately I have been craving food drenched with sauce. Nearly any sauce will do. Mexican? Italian? White? Red? Sausage gravy? Cheese? Barbeque? It doesn't seem to matter. Unfortunately, not many sauces are actually healthy. If you read of my demise anytime soon please forward this to the coroner's office. It might shorten the autopsy process. It might also invoke the "suicide clause" on my life insurance policy. If I intentionally eat unhealthy sauces and die as a result can this be considered intentionally taking my own life? I need a judgment call here.

3. *WIFE WARNING: WIVES NOT ALLOWED TO READ #3. PLEASE PROCEED DIRECTLY TO #4. THANK YOU.* I stopped being hungry as I cleaned my plate off tonight at supper. It was just Debbie and I. She went into the living room to see something that interested her on television and I began clearing the table. (That's just the kind of husband I am.) She told me to just put the cover on the chicken we ate tonight and she would mix it with rice for our supper tomorrow night. I looked at the chicken. I thought about the rice. And I immediately ate the rest of the chicken. It is going to work. Unless she reads this blog before suppertime tomorrow.

4. I have done a lot more flying this summer than usual. I like to fly and I have been reflecting on the "why" of that fact. I have determined that it comes down to two things. Take off's and landings. I love taking off. The feel of the sheer power as it presses into your chest is so cool. Going from zero to four or five hundred miles per hour in just a few minutes is a kick I don't think I will ever tire of. The second thing I really like is landing. For the same reasons only backward. I think that if I should die in a plane crash I will be appropriately terrified but I also think I will enjoy those last few moments the most. I am thinking they happen really, really fast. There is a roller coaster in an amusement park near the church I may be moving to in the Cleveland area. This roller coaster reaches speeds up to 120 mph. I am sooooo there...

5. "Barnes and Noble" beats "Borders" every time. Two reasons. The smell of the coffee shop and the greater proliferation of cushy chairs. I don't drink coffee but I do enjoy smelling it. And chairs? I'm all about cushy chairs.

6. Once upon a time I was walking down the hallway of a church and I passed a woman who was exiting the women's room. Her dress was lifted up and tucked into her waistband in the posterior area. Things were exposed that were not supposed to be exposed. She was walking to the church auditorium for the worship service. You are thinking that I did the right thing by discreetly telling her, thus avoiding her even greater embarrassment. You are wrong.

7. The Cubs are going to win the World Series this year. Oh yes they are. And I am going to move to an American League city and nobody is going to care. I find it petrifying that this could happen and I would have nobody to gloat to. After all these years in St. Louis. Life is a cruel mistress.

8. The thought of being a Sr. Pastor does not scare me. It terrifies me. Who do I blame when things get screwed up? How do I explain to God why I missed a "signal?" What if they want to do something silly like build a building or repave a parking lot? Can I memorize "Roberts Rules of Order?" Can I even find a copy? Oh ... Barnes and Noble. Never mind.

9. I miss my stupid dog.

10. I think being an "ice road trucker" would be about the coolest thing you could be. You do it all winter and brag about it all summer. Hmmm. That's like the same reason I got married in November.

2 comments:

Laurabell said...

brilliance.

Gregg said...

I totally agree with your #4. I take connecting flights just so I can take off and land again. Besides, airports are among the best places to "people watch."