If I Ruled The World

- You spill oil in the gulf? You suck it up. You can't suck it up? We give your gas away for free.

-Ribs once a week. It's the law.

- Tailgating would automatically trigger the backward facing Stinger Missile in the trunk of the car in front of you.

- Those headlights that are like ... bluish and retina melting? 20 years in Leavenworth.

- You break your leg celebrating your own game winning grand slam? Walk it off. You can't walk it off? After you heal you spend the rest of your career with 6th grader as your "pinch runner." Oh, and you split your salary with him/her 50/50.

- You don't mow your lawn on a weekly basis? Your neighbors get to mow it for you and then put all of your stuff in a "garage sale." All proceeds go to off-set the loss your presence on the block causes to their property value. Oh. And they get to tattoo a bright red "M" on your forehead (for "Mow-ron.")

- You serve cold french fries at your fast food restaurant? You go door to door in Idaho for a year and explain why you did it. In your underwear.

- You text and drive? Automatic hour in the boxing ring with Oprah. Only your hands are duck taped behind your back and she is on Meth. Oh, and your in your underwear.

- Sagging pants? You lose 'em. Yeah, you get a skirt instead. And if your skirt sags you get leotards. Red ones with runs in them. And NO underwear.

- Full body scanners at every airport. You don't want to use them? Go Greyhound.

Oh, how I wish I ruled the world. I'm just getting started ...