Design On A Whine - Part 1

Ladies and gentlemen, I am selling my house and moving away. Won't be long and I'll be outta here. So if I am going to sell this place then it needs a little sprucing up. That was not my idea. It was hers. You know. HERS. This current round of "home improvement" has solidified a well-documented fact. I have no e-stinken idea what I am doing when I pick up a tool. And so I think it behooves me to tell you what I have learned over these past weeks. Learn from my mistakes. At least then it will all be for something.

Tonight we are talking about "mitered corners." The dictionary says that a mitered corner is "A joint made by two pieces of wood or other material at an angle of 90 degrees, such that the line of junction bisects this angle."


Oh. I thought it was when you screw up two pieces of wood by trying to cut them on an angle so that they match up in the corner. But now, it turns out that the junction has to bisect the angle." If they had told me that early on it would have saved me a lot of time, money, and sawdust production.

Let Old Unca Ron give you a tip. If you are going to spend big bucks resurfacing a floor (i.e. in a large laundry room) make the baseboards look good too. Buy expensive ones. Tall and white with fancy schmancy curved designs on them. Then get out your cool circular saw. Set it at 45 degrees and cut away. Do this to two pieces of wood. Then take them into the house and jam them into the same corner as if they really do fit together. (Unless you are good.... like Noah good.... it won't even come close to working.) Then do what Old Unca Ron does. Nail them down anyway and schmear whatever kind of putty you have around the house into the gaping holes, smooth it over, and paint it white. NO body will ever know. If I can do it ... so can you!

Oh, and don't forget to wear goggles when you use that saw, boys and girls. Old Unca Ron did every single time but once. And that was when the wood demon jumped up and bit him in the left eye. That then, in turn, led to creative garage dancing and holding my face under the showerhead with my eyes open. Then I used a half of a bottle of some sort of over-the-counter eye drops. Still, every now and then a little wooden piece of crap floats across my eyeball and makes me scream

I know it sounds like a lot of work but having mitered corners might make your house sell more quickly. So get out those saws! Plug that sucker in! Get cutting! You'll be out of your house (and into the hospital) in no time!

That's all for today, boys and girls. Tune back in soon for more of our new series, "Design On A Whine!"