Saturday, November 16, 2002

The world is ending. There are no more surprises to be had. The last one just happened. Today, at 3:13pm... I was attacked by the WalMart greeter. It was vicious and unprovoked. My lovely daughter and I walked through the big automatic doors, expecting to have a fine shopping experience. She moved a few steps ahead of me (you know how women are in WalMart.) As I hurried to keep up and to grab some of those prices that keep falling, I reached out for a cart. Actually I grabbed the front end of one as I walked by. A terrorist disguised as a grandmother was behind the cart. She, in theory, was pulling them out toward the onrushing crowd, making it easier for us to get our cart and get to shopping. But when I latched on to the cart of my choice... she would not let go. I was not even looking at her. As I said, I just latched on to it with my hand as I tried to keep up with Kelli. The tension from the greeters grasp rushed through the cart and up my arm, whipping me backwards and spun me around to face her. I'm pretty sure I tore my rotator cuff in the process. I pulled the cart toward me again. She pulled the other way. Now she had my full attention. I wanted my cart. I pulled. She pulled. I pulled. She pulled. I pulled harder. She let go and turned to look at me in surprise. She said she didn't know that I was there. In order to believe that you have to also believe A) She thought the cart was trying to run away on it's own; B) She tought that all of those carts she kept putting out there were just stacking up because obviously nobody was taking them. I have my doubts.

No, I was definately attacked by the WalMart greeter. I am proud to say that I was victorious... though injured. Probably seriously. Surgery could be in my future. I am sad to say that nobody seems to believe me. I mean, even Kelli had her doubts and she almost witnessed it. She turned around just in time to see the little monster in the blue vest give me a grandmotherly smile and let go of the cart. She missed the evil intent. She missed the vile grip with which she grasped the handle. She missed the snapping of my tendons.

So I just felt the need to get the word out. WalMart greeters are terrorists. Do not trust them. I suggest that you only go to WalMart in groups. Watch each others back. If you see a cart unattended in the parking lot take that one instead of expecting one from an employee. If a greeter offers to open a door for you watch your blindside. There could be another one about to hit you low. Who would have thought that it would be "WalMart" that turned you into a "Target."

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

10. I want Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein accidently showing up at a Teamsters Convention
9. I want Whitey Herzog to buy the Cubs
8. I want a cholesterol number lower than Barry Bonds batting average
7. I want a scientific study proving that caffiene is good for you
6. I want the development of a hybrid orange tree that thrives year round in Illinois
5. I want new hips for my dog Bear
4. I want a youth building at church that will hold more kids than a school bus
3. I want a self-cleaning chimney
2. I want a red convertible Mustang GT with a Khaki top, 6 CD changer, automatic transmission, and a blonde named Debbie in the passanger seat
1. I want a perfect job for Joe McGill in St. Louis