Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Not that you asked ...

1. I cannot spit worth a rat’s patootie. This is an insult to my maleness. I remember watching my father when I was a boy. When he had to spit you could hear him work it up for blocks around. It began as a scraping noise deep in his throat and slowly emerged upward and outward. Small children would cling to their mother's skirts when dad would let one go. Stray dogs would whimper and run for the tree line. Dad never taught me this skill. That may just be the one thing I cannot forgive him for. I was substituting in Jr. High physical education today. We are still playing flag football. I got a mouthful of dust and felt the need to remove it. I tried to be like dad. I tried to BE dad. But all I got was moisture of the scattered variety. I do think I lost the respect of the entire red team.

2. Lately I have been craving food drenched with sauce. Nearly any sauce will do. Mexican? Italian? White? Red? Sausage gravy? Cheese? Barbeque? It doesn't seem to matter. Unfortunately, not many sauces are actually healthy. If you read of my demise anytime soon please forward this to the coroner's office. It might shorten the autopsy process. It might also invoke the "suicide clause" on my life insurance policy. If I intentionally eat unhealthy sauces and die as a result can this be considered intentionally taking my own life? I need a judgment call here.

3. *WIFE WARNING: WIVES NOT ALLOWED TO READ #3. PLEASE PROCEED DIRECTLY TO #4. THANK YOU.* I stopped being hungry as I cleaned my plate off tonight at supper. It was just Debbie and I. She went into the living room to see something that interested her on television and I began clearing the table. (That's just the kind of husband I am.) She told me to just put the cover on the chicken we ate tonight and she would mix it with rice for our supper tomorrow night. I looked at the chicken. I thought about the rice. And I immediately ate the rest of the chicken. It is going to work. Unless she reads this blog before suppertime tomorrow.

4. I have done a lot more flying this summer than usual. I like to fly and I have been reflecting on the "why" of that fact. I have determined that it comes down to two things. Take off's and landings. I love taking off. The feel of the sheer power as it presses into your chest is so cool. Going from zero to four or five hundred miles per hour in just a few minutes is a kick I don't think I will ever tire of. The second thing I really like is landing. For the same reasons only backward. I think that if I should die in a plane crash I will be appropriately terrified but I also think I will enjoy those last few moments the most. I am thinking they happen really, really fast. There is a roller coaster in an amusement park near the church I may be moving to in the Cleveland area. This roller coaster reaches speeds up to 120 mph. I am sooooo there...

5. "Barnes and Noble" beats "Borders" every time. Two reasons. The smell of the coffee shop and the greater proliferation of cushy chairs. I don't drink coffee but I do enjoy smelling it. And chairs? I'm all about cushy chairs.

6. Once upon a time I was walking down the hallway of a church and I passed a woman who was exiting the women's room. Her dress was lifted up and tucked into her waistband in the posterior area. Things were exposed that were not supposed to be exposed. She was walking to the church auditorium for the worship service. You are thinking that I did the right thing by discreetly telling her, thus avoiding her even greater embarrassment. You are wrong.

7. The Cubs are going to win the World Series this year. Oh yes they are. And I am going to move to an American League city and nobody is going to care. I find it petrifying that this could happen and I would have nobody to gloat to. After all these years in St. Louis. Life is a cruel mistress.

8. The thought of being a Sr. Pastor does not scare me. It terrifies me. Who do I blame when things get screwed up? How do I explain to God why I missed a "signal?" What if they want to do something silly like build a building or repave a parking lot? Can I memorize "Roberts Rules of Order?" Can I even find a copy? Oh ... Barnes and Noble. Never mind.

9. I miss my stupid dog.

10. I think being an "ice road trucker" would be about the coolest thing you could be. You do it all winter and brag about it all summer. Hmmm. That's like the same reason I got married in November.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Just Time Away...

I think my lobotomy has finally kicked in. I have not been writing much of late. If you log on to this little site often I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I almost always have something to say. I do not shut-up often. Things are just odd right now. It is just that I have been thinking a lot lately.

As you probably know there is a very good chance that I will be packing up and moving northeast in the near future. I am happy about that. Still, it is a very sobering thing. If God brings this to pass I will be leaving some very precious people behind. I am reminded of the words sung by Carol King on her famous album "Tapestry" a few decades ago ... "You're just time away. Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? It would be so fine to see your face at my door and it doesn't help to know you're just time away...” It seems that the space/time continuum is getting in my way again. It is the biggest pain in my life. Anyway, it is all God's deal. I just follow orders. Still ... it is on my mind everyday. I want the decision made. The facts decided. I do not like living in the in-between.

And then my dog ran away. Bailey the Killer Beagle darted out the door a few weeks ago and has not been seen since. My carpets are cleaner. But when I sit on my mega-chair she is not there to put her chin on my leg and try to doze off before I do. It was one of the finest parts of the day and I miss it. I have had four dogs since becoming a big person (aka: an adult) and three of them ran away. Why? Well, I am not sure. The smart one stayed. His name was Bear and I will never get over him. Bailey was a decent fill-in though and I loved her for who she was. Maybe she heard about Cleveland and just did not want to go.

On top of that it seems that God has been very quiet lately. I know He's here. He just isn't talking much. I am not sure why but it seems that He is at His quietest when I am most wanting to hear Him. There is a reason for that. Really there is. But right now it eludes me.

The Cubs are tied for first place and that scares me to death. If they fold as usual it will really be depressing. If they do not fold and manage to win it all ... well, I will probably be dead soon. I have prayed for years that God would let me live to see the Cubs win the World Series. If they win it there will be nothing between the grave and me. My blunt son told me recently that if I move I should choose my new house very carefully because that is probably the house I will die in.


Anyway, seldom does a day go by that I don't get zapped by some bit of loose reality that needs writing about. I make a note of it and begin to bang on the keyboard after the house is quiet. Lately the only quiet thing is my brain. Perhaps it is merely a slump. Perhaps it is the gathering clouds of change on the horizon. Or maybe I've just finally run out of things to say. Ya think? I don't. Seriously, there is just too much to life to run out of ideas. Reality is too weird. Too random. No, it's just a dip in the road.

Two months from today I will most probably be living in a borrowed "5th Wheel" in a strange city, preaching to people I do not know and trying to win people who talk just a little funny to Jesus. Win or lose on the baseball diamond, the Cubs will be playing golf somewhere. It is just a lot to try to comprehend. On top of all of that I was in Dallas to perform a wedding last weekend. (I wore a chocolate brown tux with chocolate brown wing tips. But 5 minutes into the reception I looked like this ...

Nobody noticed for nearly an hour. That proves something but I am not sure what.) The night before we flew home Debbie and I had supper with old and precious friends, Dave and Lynda. Their oldest son and his girlfriend asked me to perform their wedding as well. So I will be going back to Dallas ... which is located in my 2nd least favorite state ... and tying the knot for Adam and Betsy late in October. Then I have to be in Wisconsin in late December to tie Jessica to her new fella. I seem to be the king of weddings lately. It's all good.

I just need some brain juice.