Thursday, October 01, 2009

Things I Learned While Circling Death Looking for A Place To Land

-Sadly enough the world would (and eventually will) go right on without me. I've been keeping my eye on FOX News and CNN during my deathbattical (I hereby copyright that word!) and it seems that my imminent demise has had a net effect of zero on the stock market, the general economy, world politics, and Chicago baseball. The price of Baked BBQ Lays decreased however due to an unexpected increase in supply.

-Spilling orange juice directly into an electrical surge protector has no consequences. Odd. Everything electrical kept right on humming. Remind me to clean that up after it dries.

-It is quite entertaining to sit near the window in my favorite chair (my fuzzy buddy) with the nozzle end of a running vacuum cleaner in my hand and suck up unsuspecting flies. Who knew that a fly could actually look startled?

-"Facebook Evangelism" does not work.

-The odds that there is anything on television worth watching is directly inverse to the amount of free time you have to watch it.

-It actually is possible to re-grout a bathroom floor when the grout is mixed with snot drippings.

-If what I've been experiencing is indeed the "Swine Flu" rather than some other kind of flu or a common head cold, it was obviously my brother-in-law Jim's fault. He gave me some chocolate covered bacon at his birthday party on Monday night at chick-Fil-A. My conspiracy hypothesis is that the chocolate was a mere "come-on" to sucker me into flu infested pig meat. And it worked like a charm.

-Thanks to my Administrative Assistant, Connie, I have discovered that I have indeed had every single symptom of the Swine Flu. Well, except for one. No government official rushed to my door offering me an IV or even a freaken Aspirin. Obama didn't even call to check on me. (Personal not to the POTUS: I'm voting along party lines next time buddy and you ain't invited to the party.)

-Nobody can hear the ringing in your ears but you. I learned that at Taco Bell. I kept telling them that the fries were done and they kept telling me that they don't make fries. So I pinched my nose and blew real hard and, wouldn't you know it, the fries weren't done after all.

-It is possible though difficult to have a quiet time alone with God when you keep seeing all of your deceased relatives and friends beckoning you to come and join them. They all looked so happy and at peace. Except for one. She owes me money.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I've had head colds/flu before but this is ridiculous

I looked in the mirror today and noticed that my headache was probably the least of my problems.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Snot Rolls Down Hill

Ahhh. I had almost forgotten. Autumn in St. Louis. My annual dance of death with The Head Cold From Hell. It started as a minor scratch in the back of my throat. No biggie. Probably just the spicy nachos I ate the night before. The next morning a head ache was added.

Today I am drowning in my own snot.

What is it about head colds? We have not yet cured cancer but major strides have been made. Many types of cancer actually can be cured and even prevented. Polio has been wiped from the face of the earth. Seen a good case of the Bubonic Plague lately? I thought not.

But the head cold rolls merrily along.

What's with that? Strep throat, left untreated, can damage your heart. So we have drugs to cure it. The head cold can't really do anything except make you wish you were dead and yet nobody can figure it out. You cans spend a fortune trying to feel better but, as dad use to say, leave it alone and it will last a week. Treat it and it will last about seven days. Dad was a genius. Why he wasted his life in a non-medical field is beyond me.

Do you realize what you can't do when you have a head cold?

You can't go to work (or your co-workers will hate you and rightfully so,) taste food, lay down flat, smell, hear clearly, keep your eyes from tearing up, think clearly, sleep in the same room with your wife if she has asthma, stand to be around yourself, or anything else that requires you to have a body. The only person willing to be around you is God and He stays on the far side of the room.

One week from tonight I'm suppose to be relaxing in lovely Southern California. So, you see, it could be worse. I'm just getting this out of the way.

By the way, I've been craving bacon all day. You don't suppose this could be the ... nah ...