Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Katie Chronicles: The Truth Must Be Told

Well, my precious niece, Katie, has returned home to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Today I put her on a jet and she flew from St. Louis to Baltimore. That's in Maryland. From there she boarded the next flight to Milwaukee. Do not ever allow Katie to be your travel agent.

But now that she has departed the comforts of my home it is time for the truth to be told. Yes, Katie has some deep and abiding secrets that must see the light of day. Perhaps it will set her free from the inner torment of her own demons (small "d.") And so, as I promised her on the trip to the airport, I am revealing her dirty laundry to the world tonight. I hope you have the stomach for it.

-Katie is hot for John Wilkes Booth. Yes, the same John Wilkes Booth that assassinated President Lincoln. I don't know anything I can say to make that better. It is what it is.

-Katie likes to break restaurant furniture. Here she holds the back of her chair from a Qdobe on Grand Avenue in St. Louis. It's a tough neighborhood but Katie is tougher. I mean, catch that look on her face. Ruthless.

Katie tells her parents that she does not have a job. She lies. Katie is a pimp. This is how she was dressed when she got off the plane from Milwaukee last Friday. Need I say more?

Being a good Catholic, Katie believe in the sprinkling form of baptism. Here she practices on her uncle Jim.

Perhaps most disturbingly Katie has an odd attraction to paper mache sumo wrestlers. The following photo speaks for itself.

In addition, though I have no photographic verification to back these claims up, I can also tell you that a she is also hot for Alec Baldwin. She enjoys throwing the occasional tooth brush into the toilet. She is quite capable of eating 8 Krispy Kreme Donuts in one morning. Vanilla Coke is flowing through her veins. She likes to date over-the-road truck drivers. She seems to have a thing for Bosnians. She gets nervous in theaters, fantasizing that her chair is about to blow up under her. Tivo is her best friend and I'm betting it will be the name of her next dog. She is easily duped and believes that the "Hollywood" nightclub in East St. Louis is actually a bumper car emporium. Basements freak her out. And finally she is incapable of lying because she is so ruthless in her telling of the truth.

And these are just a few of the reasons why her Old Uncle Ron (better known as O.U.R.) loves her so much.

Katie, thank you for coming to visit us. I had more fun hanging out with you than I've had in a looooooong time! I know that I'm so old (in your eyes) that I'm nearly dead but thanks for letting me share the time with you, a mere punk kid, and enjoy being a kid again myself for a few days. I really needed the break. It was priceless. But for the record we really should have gone and visited "The Tree." Your loss.

Now be nice to me or I'll tell the world the one thing I promised not to tell. Yes ... that one thing. (We have a mutual annihilation pact but I'm quite willing to pull the trigger first.)