Friday, March 27, 2015

Death By Pizza

I had a doctor's appointment last week.  My doctor is more than a physician to me.  She has become a friend.  After appointments we generally spend half an hour talking about her job and my job and family stuff.  I told her last week that I am about to turn 60 and I am planning on living till 80.  Any more is a bonus.  I mentioned that being 32 years old if she could stay out of the way of trucks she would most likely out-live me and, thus, I expect her at my funeral.  If I expire before 80 she has some explaining to do.  She told me that this should not be a problem and asked how I plan on dying.  (If nothing else, she can be a smarty pants.)  I told her we all die of something and my cause of death would clearly be "pizza." Or possibly cheese burgers.

That started me thinking.  While my purpose in life is not "eating," it is an appreciated perk.  And so here, revealed for your pleasure, are the "Top Ten Foods I cannot Say 'No!' to."  Warning ... simply reading this list will raise your cholesterol level significantly...

10.  Ok, let's just cut to the chase.  Here's my weakness.  Anything ... (almost) anything ... with a sauce on it.  I break out in a cold sweat.  My hands tremble.  My knees grow weak.  If you put a good cream sauce on a pop-tart it's going down.  Samson had his hair.  I have my sauce.  It's how I live.

9.  Lasagna.  Juicy.  Tomato-y ... Meaty.  Cheesy.  Cut into a brick about the size of your head.  If you don't have a favorite go ... no ... run ... to "Sugo's" in Edwardsville.  Best lasagna on the planet.  And yes, as a matter-of-fact, I have tried them all.

8.  Jay's BBQ Potato Chips.  What do you mean you haven't tried them?  GO.RIGHTNOW.DOIT.  You'll never be the same

7.  M&M's.  Or as we say at my house, W&W's.  And you must eat them so that you always have the same amount of all types of colors at all times.  You know.  In case the M&M Police come and check up on you.  (Option:  Eat all of one color before starting on another color.  Take them in any order as long as the dark chocolate ones are the last one down the pipe.  Yes, it matters.)

6.  A pork roast cooked all day long in a crock pot.  And then when you eat it you douse it in some kind of special potion my mother-in-law concocted.  I have no idea what is in it but I'm pretty sure it starts with ketchup and mustard.  Brown sugar seems evident as well.  This will go down as the signature donation of my mother-in-law to the human race.  (Thanks, Ruth!)

5.  This one is special.  Dad introduced me to tamale's.  He said he had a weak stomach and so he never ate pizza.  But he would eat tamale's prepackaged out of a jar and sold in Detroit grocery stores.  They came in mexican sause and were wrapped in corn shucks.  To this day I cannot turn down a tamale.  I've not been able to find them in grocery stores here so if anyone knows where they are, don't keep secrets!

4.  This will sound odd but ... a lovely tuna sandwich on white bread.  Mix in some diced pickles and light mayo.  Add a leaf of crisp iceberg lettuce.  This meal got me through highschool.  I consumed enough mercury in those four years to name a planet after.  As a matter-of-fact, they did.

3.  Skyline Chile from Cincinnati.  And since I don't live in Cincinnati I have a connection there (Hi, Joe Dills!) who sends me cans of their chili.  I use BallPark's Angus all beef franks, finely shredded cheddar cheese, and diced onions.  Microwave it to melt the cheese and you are set.  (Warning:  Stay away from open flame.  'Nuff said.)

2.  Pizza.  No, not Chicago deep dish.  While I love my hometown pizza it is not my favorite.  I prefer a place found around the windy city named "Aurelio's."  Put some sausage on it.  And pepperoni.  I must have my pepperoni!  And here is the key ... extra sauce.  ALWAYS order extra sauce!  (Lately I've been consuming "Alex's Pizza" from O'Fallon.  Alex is a one man band.  He takes the order, makes the pizza, and serves it.  All by himself.  Usually I stand at the counter and we chat while he tosses my dough in the air.  I love Alex.  He only has one flaw.  He refuses to put extra sause on my pie!  He says it makes it too messy.  This will eventually spell the end of our relationship.)

1.  Cheese burgers.  Oh, yea.  No need to hold the grease.  Add ketchup, mustard, grilled onions, and relish, please.  Oh, and make the cheese "pub cheddar cheese."  Not that fake stuff like they sell on nachos at the ball park.  Worth dying for ... and I just might do that.

Note:  You may have noticed bacon is not on my list.  Bacon is not a food. It is air. It is water. It is ... life.