Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dying of thirst at the water's edge

Water. There isn't any. I turn the faucet on. Nothing. I flush the toilet. Nope. I twist the knob on the shower. Dry. It's been that way since 11:00AM, or so they tell me. Some water pipe in the building burst. I don't know. I didn't see it. I was at my office. All I know is that H20 is missing!

Oh, the oddities of life. That giant compendium of human knowledge known as "Wikipedia" tells me that this big body of water is right outside my door. (As if I haven't mentioned that enough on this blog.) But here are the staggering facts. It's the 10th largest lake on planet earth and the 4th largest by surface area covering 9,940 square miles. It is 241 miles long and, at its widest point, 57 miles wide. That's a lot of liquid, my friend.

And I can't get a drink of water to save my life.

So tell me this. I was FINE until I found out the water was off. Suddenly I'M DYING OF THIRST! My 'fridge has milk, grape juice, orange juice, ginger ale, diet Dr. Pepper (for Debbie's all-to-rare visits,) and a 12 pack of canned Coke. Not only that but by the side of my chair is a mug that holds 55 ounces of my favorite poison ... Coke with a little vanilla mixed in. It's full. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M GOING TO CROAK IF I DON'T DRINK WATER! Oh, did I mention that I also have Hawaiian Punch? And everybody knows that's just red water.

Actually, the water came back on just a few minutes ago. It's ... brown. Or if you are into fashion, khaki. I have khaki water. Anybody care to do laundry? I thought not.

I find myself flashing back to 5:00PM. I stopped at a car wash, put in $3.00 in quarters, and hosed the salt off of my Trail Blazer. My SUV has had a looooong, cold drink. I wish I was a car.

On the up-side I purchased a card table and chairs today. Nearly doubled my furniture if you count each item separately. I'd make a lousy bachelor. Debbie agrees ... I hope.

Monday, December 17, 2007

And my nominee for "Dumb Christmas Song Of The Year" is ...

"Sleigh bells ring ... are you listening?" - No.
"In the lane ... snow is glistening." - It's glistening everywhere, thank you very much.
"A beautiful sight ... we're happy tonight ... walking in a winter wonderland." - Yes, yes, and only when the wind dies down.

"Gone away is the blue bird" - I didn't notice him through all of the suicidal sea gulls. What ARE they doing out there?
"Here to stay is the new bird" - The last "new bird" I saw was a turkey on Thanksgiving and ... mmmm ... delicious!
"He sings a love song as we go along" - I don't think so. All he sang was, "feeling hot, hot, HOT!"
"Walking in a winter wonderland." - Yesterday I stopped walking for just one second and the wind pushed me forward on the ice. I slid toward the door without taking a step. Can we sing, "Sliding in a winter wonderland?"

"In the meadow we can build a snow man" - This I can do. But the scare crow is going to really be hacked-off.
"And pretend that he is Parson Brown" - OK, that's just cheesy. Impersonating a "parson" is just wrong on so many levels.
"He'll say, 'Are you married' we'll say, 'No, man'" - I've yet to walk up to someone and say, "Are you married" just on the spur of the moment. See what happens when you get a cheap "snow parson!"
"But you can do the job when you're in town." - You have a snow-man-parson" who travels? Must be the wind. Or he's haunted. In which case ... burn him.

"Later on, we'll conspire" - A blatant confession. You're going to jail. You'll love the food.
"As we dream by the fire" - Conspiring AND smoking in bed. This isn't going to look good in your permanent file.
"To face unafraid, the plans that we've made, walking in a winter wonderland" - Plans? You just finished the entire song and you never once mentioned plans. You need to lay off the egg nog, big guy.