Thursday, January 03, 2008

Stupid Picture Chronicles 16

Am I the only one that wonders what goes on behind this door? I asked but for some reason could not get a straight answer ...

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Et Tu, Kelli?

Deep grief consumes my soul. My daughter … my only daughter … just announced on her blog that she is giving up soda (aka: pop.) Her reasons are immaterial. She has broken her father’s heart. No more father/daughter carbonation-fests. No more “accidental” belching contests.

True, she says it is for health reasons. For increased energy. (Give up caffeine for increased energy? That’s a one way ticket to coma-ville!) For weight loss. (She weighs like … 115 lbs in the rain if she’s wearing a backpack filled with 2 liter bottles of Mtn. Dew.) And don’t think for a nano-second that she’ll give the old heave-ho to Starbucks. Oh, no. I’m totally convinced that she’ll still down the chocolate (God bless you, Hershey.) So hopefully she’ll live. But life will never be the same.

And so I’m taking applications. I want to add a daughter to my family. She must be at least a teenager. I will consider 20-somethings. Married is no problem. You just have to be willing to remain caffeinated. No, I’m not dumping Kelli. Never. And she will still be my favorite daughter of all time. I’ve always told her that if God were to allow me to design my own daughter the result would look just like her. Nothing has changed. My design-o-daughter would still look exactly like Kelli … only caffeinated.

I must go buy Kleenex now. The tears will not stop flowing …

Monday, December 31, 2007

New Years Resolution - 2008 - Iron Clad Agreements With Myself

10- Less chocolate, less pizza, less Hostess Cup Cakes.
9 - I will work-out more. (I will work out a way around resolution #10)
8 - I will marry off my last child. Even if his fiance changes her mind. Even if HE changes his mind. He's getting married. End of story.
7 - I will not, not, NOT buy a dog. Or accept a dog. Or steal a dog. Or allow a dog to buy, accept, or steal me. I will pet other peoples dogs because I am tired of chasing my own dogs.
6 - I will listen to Debbie and avoid buying a large screen/medium screen hdtv. (disclaimer: Resolution #6 is only in effect when Debbie and I are in the same city. Otherwise Resolution #6 is open to interpretation.)
5 - I will become an official "Toledo Mud Hens" fan. (Definition of "Toledo Mud Hens Fan: One who attends no less than three (3) Toledo Mud Hens home games AND owns no fewer than three (3) team t-shirts and three (3) team ball caps.") This will satisfy the requirement that I cheer for an Ohio home team without compromising my allegiance to the "Chicago Cubs."
4 - I will allow my wife to move in with me.
3 - I will eat something with Elle that is completely new to her and I will not tell her mommy until it is too late. (OK, actually I have already done this multiple times but it is so much fun I'm promising to do it again. Oh, and don't tell her mommy. She doesn't know about the "Great Circus Peanut Experiment." I see no reason to bring it up now.)
2 - I will drive to my bank without having to use my GPS. (This may take until like ... October.)
1 - I am going to make my church wonder if they have called a total idiot to be their pastor or a genuine genius! (This resolution has already been achieved with multiple individuals.)
A BONUS RESOLUTION - I am going to answer the question posed in resolution #1 in a way that leaves no doubt. But ... which will it be? Oh the tension of wondering!!!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Stupid Picture Chronicles 15

Piggly Wiggly, New Holstein, Wisconsin... you guys are a little late on this one. My kids have been doing this for decades.