Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Don't Let Their Death's Be In Vain!

Some days just go down in the annals of history as unbeatable. Unmatchable. Without peer. This ... March 28, 2007 ... is one of those days.

I drove to my wife's school where she teaches in a behavorial disorder classroom. I was taking her a gift. A mid-morning diet Dr. Pepper with Cherry. It is her favorite beverage. I was only three blocks from the school when the approach of my car, an emerald green Mustang, scared a bird into flight. It was a Cardinal. A red bird. I watched as it flew safely in front of my car only to double back (What? Did it forget it's purse?) and WHACK into my windshield. It bounced over my car and landed on the road behind me. The operative phrase here is "stone cold dead." While I was sad for the little winged creature it was totally not my fault. HE (She? We will never know.) flew into ME.

I delivered the goods to a mildly grateful wife.

Returning to my car I examined the windshield to make sure there was no damage. Those things are expensive, don't ya know. All was well with my glass and so I slipped myself behind the wheel, started the engine and began retracing my route home.

That is when the unthinkable happened.

Within a block of the site of the previous ... incident ... I spied two red birds on the road ahead of me. They were about 4 or 5 feet apart and directly in my path. Now, at this point I must honestly tell you that in my previous experience birds usually notice an oncoming car and take flight. They may be birds but they seem to instinctively understand the weight/speed ratio and have no problem issuing an immediate evacuation order. And so I do not worry too much. I have actually hit birds because I swerved into what turned out to be their escape flight path. That made me feel rather badly. And so when faced with a situation like this I have instituted a policy of ignoring the birds and let them do the fleeing. I do not think that I am over stating things when I say that an "Active Fleeing Declaration" is in order for birds dealing with these circumstances.

Obviously these two red birds did not get the memo.

I kept driving and they kept pecking at whatever was the object of their attention on the road. As I drove over the spot they were standing I assumed they had flown safely out of the way. And yet I did not seem them do so. And I did not see them hop their little bodies toward the adjacent curbing. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. I heard nothing.

And then I looked in the rear view mirror.

Two objects were lying in the road. I remember thinking, "no way." I stopped, put the car into reverse (hey, I am by nature, a kind hearted guy and I was ready to CPR the little fellows back to health) and backed up within about 10 feet of the objects. I put my car in park. I had my convertable top down and so I unbuckled my seat belt, twisted my body and got up on my knees in the seat. Clearly visable from this perch (pun intended) were two dead Cardinals. Two very flat dead Cardinals. They had been perfectly positioned so that each of my front wheels erased one bird.

I felt badly for them. They are just birds. God says he counts the birds and not one hits the ground without His knowing it and crossing them off His list. I figure that if hitting the ground gets noticed by God, pulverizing them into the ground would probably not escape His attention. I had single handedly caused God to use his eraser three times within ten minutes on three identical birds.

I drove away feeling quite melancholy. Then it hit me. It's our year. It's an omen. IT'S OUR YEAR! I consider myself the premiere Cub fan in the region and I had just terminated 3 red birds! During spring training! Within twenty miles of Busch Stadium! What are the odds of that? I'll tell you what they are. They are unbelievably A-S-T-R-O-F-R-E-A-K-E-N-O-M-I-C-A-L!

My friends. It is only March. I urge you, nay, I plead with you ... recognize this incident for what it is. 99 yeas ago the Cubs won the World Series. That was the last time. But it is very clear that the drought is ending. And I am declaring it right here. Perhaps William Shakespeare said it correctly, "I wasted time and now doth time waste me," but THIS is not a time for YOU to waste! I am declaring amnesty for all pagan cardinal lovers living on the Illinois side of St. Louis. It is time to come home. Not just any home. Sweet Home Chicago. Friends, like it or not, it is your city. YOUR city. You pay taxes to support it's parks, roads, and yes, ball parks! Amnesty is your for the taking.

From NOW until the first shout of "PLAY BALL" echoes from behind home plate on Monday, April 9, 2007 at 1:20 PM, in the beautiful confines of Wrigley Field you can come home to YOUR Chicago Cubs! This is a limited time offer and will not be repeated. There is no time to waste. Three dead red birds spilled their life blood today to get your attention. Did they die in vain?

That, my friend, is up to you.


Anonymous said...

Ok, so ignoring the sad little Cubs rally, the fact that you actually killed three cardinals in ten minutes in two separate bird killing incidents made me laugh out loud. I am not all for the death of sweet little birds, but hey, these guys were kind of asking for it. Its just a little Darwinism at work. Too funny.

Meg McCormick said...

>>"I figure that if hitting the ground gets noticed by God, pulverizing them into the ground would probably not escape His attention."

Yep, it's hard to hide pulverizing!

That made me chuckle. Sorry 'bout the real birds, but sure hope your baseball birds do well this year!!

Anonymous said...

Keep dreaming, Ron. Keep dreaming...