Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Things I Have Learned Today (so far)

I woke up feeling rather poorly this morning and so I decided that it would be best if I write my blog early. I do not want my massive wealth of knowledge to die with me, therefore my purpose in today’s blog is to tell you everything that I know all at once.

Don’t laugh. You might learn something. And do not ask how I learned any of these things. Ever.

Here we go ...
-Never trust any one older than two years old. People learn to be surly early.
-If you do something nice for somebody for free they will be big-time surprised. They probably won’t thank you though. That is way too personal.
-Humidity kills more people than drown in the Bering Sea each year. Be especially cautious of humid days ON the Bering Sea. (This may or may not be true but I think it is.)
-The trophy belt of the minimally successful professional wrestler will kill an ordinary man if it hits you just right.

-Never let any one hear you say, “Hey, I’m all caught up!”
-Never call a woman “wench” even if she calls herself that.
-Dogs do not smile. If a dog looks like he is smiling it is a trick. He is simply wetting his teeth so that they can sink more deeply into your flesh.
-On a hot day “Ice Road Truckers” is the best show on television.
-I asked God for "a sign" about what He wants me to do and now I work at a sign shop. Pray clearly and specifically.
-From 2 until 5 in the afternoon is “The Death Zone” because that is when the sign business turns my brain to mush and I become dangerous to myself.
-If you whip a rubber ball at a co-worker odds are even that you’ll hit the boss by accident.
-Listen to too much classical music at close range and you will start having elevator hallucinations.
-I actually know somebody who knows somebody who got charged with kidnapping today. How cool is that?

It is now nearly 4PM and I think I am going to live. But I’m publishing just in case...