Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Gloom In Between

It is a strange time. I am confused by my own thought patterns, behavior oddities and impatience. It is not my norm. But I suppose if times are strange it would not be abnormal for my actions or reactions to be a little offbeat as well. I am not a stranger to anger but I am a stranger to having it well up in me so quickly that I don't even see it coming. That has happened once or twice recently. Or maybe ten times. I lost count.

A few weeks ago I was flying home from Dallas. Friends had dropped Debbie and I off at Love Field on an overcast, dreary morning. We waited an hour or so and then boarded our plane home to St. Louis. Within seconds of leaving the ground we were in the clouds. And within seconds of entering the clouds we broke out of them into the bright sunlight of "upper Texas." It was wonderful to see the blue sky. I am a solar powered guy. I need sunshine in order to run properly. As we coasted toward home I glanced outside to notice the view had changed. Now the clouds were multi-layered. Clouds below us, clouds above us, and in the distance you could see them in levels with clear air in between. Every few minutes we would pass through a layer. Sometimes it would take us into a sun-filled sky and sometimes into the gloom of the in between.

I found myself thinking about that flight today. I was supposed to be laying tile in the laundry room but I was leaning against a wall thinking about the circumstances that had brought me to this moment. Glancing out the window of life I can easily see multi-layered situational clouds. A backward glance at life shows mostly sunny skies mixed with a few storms. The last year has been a turbulent ride with fantastic up's and phenomenal down's. I am trying to look out the front window. It is hard to see out there. There seems to be great potential for sunny days but the promise of their arrival is elusive.

It is the gloom in between.

I am fixing up a house that I will not own for long. And I am wondering ... why didn't I fix it up in time to enjoy it? I don't have an answer for that. I am writing a sermon that will either be the first of many or the last of one. There is no way to know which it will be. I am listening to a God who makes great promises and never breaks one of them. But He keeps His calendar tucked away under His arm and never lets me see when those promises will see the light of day. One month from tonight I will either be falling asleep in my new city or I will be trying to figure out what God is trying to get across to me while I sit in a very clean, newly painted, freshly tiled, shampooed carpeted house.

Yes, it is the gloom in between. This season of life has lasted long enough. Four plus years. I remember the second it started and I will know the second it ends. The clouds will finally fall away and the layers will be a distant memory. Flying is the best when you can see the ground below and the sky above. I know, I know. I'm not a rookie and I'm not stupid. There will always be clouds around somewhere until we get "Home." You know the one. "H"ome. But even the biggest hurricane blows away eventually. This one needs to leave. Now.

It is time to throw the touchdown pass. Time to hit the walk-off home run. Time for the fade away three point jump shot with no time left on the clock. It's time for a new game on a new field with a new team. I am as rested and tuned as I can be. Only one thing is needed. Would somebody please say, "Play ball?"

(I am aware that I have mixed my metaphors. Get over it.)


Shannon said...

I hope the gloom passes soon. I know the feeling. I don't think I will ever get the patience thing down. I focus on my faith but I think patience is a big part. I know God will fix it but why can't He just fix it now? It feels good to make it through the gloomy layers to the sunshine.