Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Hair Washing VS. Scalping. A Formal Discussion

So today I got a hair cut. It was no big deal. I go to this place that specializes in men. The reason I go there is because I need constant reassurance that I am, indeed, a man. It's not that I'm afraid that I've become a woman. No, I just keep forgetting that I'm old enough to drive cars, vote, and buy a house. I do all three. But I still need that booster shot of going to a guys hair place.

I have selected my personal hair cutter lady, Jane, based on the fact that she is the oldest person working there. Her clock has ticked 32 times. And while that isn't exactly old, I really don't think anybody else that works there remembers life before the year 2,000. So at least we can talk about more than "Glee" or which celebrity is wearing the best cuts of beef to publicity events.

Today Jane finished trimming me up and it was time for the obligatory "washing of the hair." This isn't really necessary. I shower every morning and that includes a sincere "washing of the hair." So the obligatory "washing of the hair" is just that. A ritual. It's singular purpose is NOT to get the little hair trimmings out of the way so they don't fall down your shirt and make you itch al day long. Although that is what they tell you. It's purpose is to get you to tip more because you are suddenly feeling a burst if fresh cleanliness. They even end the deal with a nice wet hot towel and a mint. Nice.

But I digress.

So Jane leans the old chair back by pressing on some pedal with her foot and ... WHAMMO! The back of my head crashes into the edge of the sink. Decidedly unpleasant. She apologizes, asks me to stand up (I was woozy with pain) and she uses all of her 110 pounds to push the barber chair closer to the sink. I settle back into it and she eeeeeases it back and proceeds with a proper hair washing. She washed. And she washed. And she kept washing. We were past the five minute mark when she said, "You are probably wondering why I'm taking so long washing your hair." I asked her if it was to rinse the blood out of it. She laughed and said, "No, it's just my way of saying I'm sorry for hitting your head on the sink." I invited her to hit my head on the sink any time she feels like it if this is the pay back.

It feels really nice when someone else washes your hair. I don't have any idea why that is. Because I've noticed that hair doesn't actually feel anything. I suppose it's a scalp issue. This is probably why the Indians made such a big deal out of scalping the "pale faces" back in the days of the wild west. It was kind of a "reverse hair washing" mentality. If you want to make somebody happy wash their hair and their scalp will smile. If you want to make somebody unhappy scalp them. With an axe. It you think about it, it makes total sense.

All I know is that Jane got a really good tip and I didn't itch at all for the rest of the day.