My squaw and I returned from our annual pilgrimage to Michigan last week. This is the state of my birth and a place I love to visit. The trip was a wonderful mix of shockingly beautiful fall leaves and the deep blues of Lake Superior. Six (count 'em ... 6!) whitefish lay down their lives so that my palate could be a happy place. Lake Superior whitefish fear me. When October arrives they begin emailing each other those annoying warnings about the evils that are trying to take over their neighborhoods. You know what I mean. You get those emails too. Who sends those? But in the case of the fish ... they are right. October finds me packing my bags and traveling north, soon to arrive on their shores with the solitary goal of eating as many of them as I can in my four day visit. It's total carnage.
This year I found out that Michigan bites back.
On Wednesday, our final day "up north," we drove to "Pictured Rocks National Lake Shore." This under-reported national treasure is a long stretch of land along Lake Superior renowned for its steep cliffs, huge 300 foot high sand dunes, and picturesque rock configurations. We drove and we hiked and we had a great day challenging ourselves to find just one more stunning view. It was on one of those hikes that I came across this sign ...
Look at that poor helpless soul on top of that cliff. He's about to meet his maker. (Upon closer inspection I think he might be one of The Village People.) It seems that sandstone can be dangerous. You could die...
And then I came across this ...
Are you SERIOUS? They allow hunting on the same land they promote for tourism? That seems a bit odd to me. Hapless sightseers are simply warned with a, "Hey, you might want to wear orange or something cause we shoot a lot up here. Be a darn shame if you dressed like a 10 point buck, doncha know?" I mean, you could die...
On the same bulletin somebody had placed...
In Detroit they sell a t-shirt riddled with bullet holes and the inscription, "Hope you come back soon! Sorry we missed you!" Riiiiight. And in Michigan's "U.P." if the hunters miss you the falling tree branches will not. They are in cahoots.
Later on I found...
Honestly friends, I thought I would live out the rest of my days without facing the dreaded "Wild Parsnip Plant Alert." Take a close look at those skin shots. Yes ... YOU COULD DIE...
As if dangerous cliffs, falling branches, over zealous hunters, rogue branches, and toxic plants are not enough it seems that the bugs also want you dead.
Yes, the bugs in Michigan can take you out. Why? Because (slipping into my hysterical voice) INSECT REPELLENT DOES NOT WORK!!!!! Doomed, I tell you. We are doomed.
And then there are always the killer fish...
...followed by the dangerous walk way...
Or it may not. Figure it out.
Oh ...and don't forget the dreaded log slide! And just to show you how DEADLY serious we are how about we throw in an ambulance, four colorful "CAUTION"s, and seven reasons why you should not enjoy going down the sand dune in front of you.
That's not enough to convince you that YOU COULD DIE? Well...
There it is. If you can get close enough to your computer monitor to read the words you'll find out that this sand dune in front of you is the former site of a log slide where loggers would chop trees on top of the dunes and send them down the sand chute into the lake back in the 1800's. And yes ... someone DID die here! They didn't just die ... they were CRUSHED by water skimming logs! One poor soul was ripped right out of his shoes.
Oh my.
The Michigan state motto is "Si Quaeris Peninsulam Amoenam Circumspice." Translated into english that means, "If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you." Judging by their signage you better look fast.
But can I let you in on a little secret? The whitefish? Totally worth the risk.
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