Hey! That's my car! Hey! That's my wife!

So I was sitting on my luxury air mattress today doing a lot of nutten when my phone rang. It was my lovely wife calling to talk to me while she drove to Kelli's house on the other side of St. Louis. After a few minutes she muttered that there were cars stopped up ahead. Not good. Even worse was the fact that she was on a stretch of I-270 in Illinois between what is known as the "Canal Bridge" and the "Chain of Rocks Bridge." That's about 3 miles of exit-less territory. You are actually driving across a man made island just before crossing the Mississippi River.

Traffic stopped. I grabbed my laptop and surfed to a site that shows traffic conditions in the St. Louis area. She was in for a long wait. A car in the westbound lanes of her expressway, the lanes she was in, had managed to flip over while on the river bridge. (I'll never understand how you make a car do that.) Nary a car was moving. It was clear that this would take a while.

We were entertaining each other with typical husband/wife conversation when I noticed a link for "traffic cams." Hmmm. I clicked the link. It gave me options of dozens of camera's across St. Louis. Two got my attention. They were in the general area where she was stuck. I clicked the first link. A huge line of cars stood still facing Missouri. I clicked the other camera. Same result. I began asking her about her exact location. We talked about the trucks that were around her and what road signs might be nearby.

Today ... I saw my car and my wife three times stuck in a traffic jam in St. Louis. Once she even got out and waved at the camera. (Yes, the car was stopped at the time!) Unfortunately the camera kept turning and I didn't see her do it. But there is no doubt that it was her that I saw. One emerald green mustang with a khaki convertible top and two white semi's and an orange semi next to her. I saw her again at the next camera as she stopped next to the "Rest Area Ahead" sign.

It was almost as surreal as a cow with a "Virginia Tech" logo on it's forehead. But not quite.

Cow Tales Part 2 (The cows are coming for us)

Look, I don't make this stuff up. Some guy in Virginia has a cow with a unique marking on it's forehead. It's the logo of Virginia Tech. Yeah, really. He didn't put it there. It was born that way. Here's the NBC web site says about the bovine.

"The wife of one of the calf's owners was watching a Virginia Tech football game one day when she glanced over at the calf and saw the VT logo. She couldn't believe her eyes, according to Hayden. 'It's a feeling that other people who look at the calf for the first time can relate to. They think it was painted on. It's hard to believe it was there, actually grew there,' Hayden says"

For some reason this does not surprise me. Yesterday I wrote my first blog ever about a cow. They obviously monitor this web site. It only makes sense that the cows of the world would take advantage of the situation and make their move. I suggest that you keep an eye on the fields. Don't stand in front of the barn door. They are coming. The cows. They have smelled the fragrance of fame. They have tasted the grandeur of glory.

Beware the cows.

Cow Tales

There is a story posted by the AP tonight about a tornado that ruthlessly ripped through an Arkansas community last night. The not-so-amusing part is that a man was killed when his mobile home was blown into a tree. That is tragedy and I certainly mean no disrespect.

But then there is the cow.

Here is how the AP phrases it ... "Miraculously, the same tornado swept up a cow and carried it close to a mile. Its owner says the animal was uninjured. "

Hmm. For the first time in my life I find myself wondering what it feels like to be a cow. There is the whole "milk me" issue. I really don't even want to go there. Then there is the "eat grass" thing. Yeah, I'm a little curious about it but not curious enough to carry a plate of "Kentucky Blue Grass" up to my table and grab a fork. Then there is ... well, actually I don't think there is anything else. I'm not a farmer but my keen observational skills indicate that's about it.

Unless, of course, you go flying.

Do cows think? There clearly isn't much to think about. Milk and grass. Chew your cud. There ya go. And then all of a sudden you find yourself on a cloudy day, a little wind, kind of humid. But the calendar in the barn tells you it's January so you aren't too concerned. Besides, you are a cow. And before those thoughts even flash (okay, crawl) through your cow brain ... you are airborne. If cows CAN think ... this would probably be a good moment to do so. "Hey, there's the barn! And over there is Farmer Bob's house! Wow! Isn't that the highway? I'm over the highway! I'm across the highway! Woo Hoo!"

There is no point to this blog. None. You can go to bed now.

Stupid Picture Chronicles 17

I'm really not sure that this qualifies as a "stupid" picture. I'm not sure what it qualifies as. But somebody lost the front end off of their Mustang. As a Mustang owner myself ... I feel their pain. And, well, they must feel pretty stupid driving around without it. So yeah. Yeah. It fits as a "stupid" picture. Here is #17 for your enjoyment!

Stupid Picture Chronicles 16

Am I the only one that wonders what goes on behind this door? I asked but for some reason could not get a straight answer ...

Et Tu, Kelli?

Deep grief consumes my soul. My daughter … my only daughter … just announced on her blog that she is giving up soda (aka: pop.) Her reasons are immaterial. She has broken her father’s heart. No more father/daughter carbonation-fests. No more “accidental” belching contests.

True, she says it is for health reasons. For increased energy. (Give up caffeine for increased energy? That’s a one way ticket to coma-ville!) For weight loss. (She weighs like … 115 lbs in the rain if she’s wearing a backpack filled with 2 liter bottles of Mtn. Dew.) And don’t think for a nano-second that she’ll give the old heave-ho to Starbucks. Oh, no. I’m totally convinced that she’ll still down the chocolate (God bless you, Hershey.) So hopefully she’ll live. But life will never be the same.

And so I’m taking applications. I want to add a daughter to my family. She must be at least a teenager. I will consider 20-somethings. Married is no problem. You just have to be willing to remain caffeinated. No, I’m not dumping Kelli. Never. And she will still be my favorite daughter of all time. I’ve always told her that if God were to allow me to design my own daughter the result would look just like her. Nothing has changed. My design-o-daughter would still look exactly like Kelli … only caffeinated.

I must go buy Kleenex now. The tears will not stop flowing …

New Years Resolution - 2008 - Iron Clad Agreements With Myself

10- Less chocolate, less pizza, less Hostess Cup Cakes.
9 - I will work-out more. (I will work out a way around resolution #10)
8 - I will marry off my last child. Even if his fiance changes her mind. Even if HE changes his mind. He's getting married. End of story.
7 - I will not, not, NOT buy a dog. Or accept a dog. Or steal a dog. Or allow a dog to buy, accept, or steal me. I will pet other peoples dogs because I am tired of chasing my own dogs.
6 - I will listen to Debbie and avoid buying a large screen/medium screen hdtv. (disclaimer: Resolution #6 is only in effect when Debbie and I are in the same city. Otherwise Resolution #6 is open to interpretation.)
5 - I will become an official "Toledo Mud Hens" fan. (Definition of "Toledo Mud Hens Fan: One who attends no less than three (3) Toledo Mud Hens home games AND owns no fewer than three (3) team t-shirts and three (3) team ball caps.") This will satisfy the requirement that I cheer for an Ohio home team without compromising my allegiance to the "Chicago Cubs."
4 - I will allow my wife to move in with me.
3 - I will eat something with Elle that is completely new to her and I will not tell her mommy until it is too late. (OK, actually I have already done this multiple times but it is so much fun I'm promising to do it again. Oh, and don't tell her mommy. She doesn't know about the "Great Circus Peanut Experiment." I see no reason to bring it up now.)
2 - I will drive to my bank without having to use my GPS. (This may take until like ... October.)
AND MY #1 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION FOR 2008 ...
1 - I am going to make my church wonder if they have called a total idiot to be their pastor or a genuine genius! (This resolution has already been achieved with multiple individuals.)
A BONUS RESOLUTION - I am going to answer the question posed in resolution #1 in a way that leaves no doubt. But ... which will it be? Oh the tension of wondering!!!

Stupid Picture Chronicles 15

Piggly Wiggly, New Holstein, Wisconsin... you guys are a little late on this one. My kids have been doing this for decades.

Please Pray For My Friend...

I was a youth pastor for a long time. It was a great time of life. God blessed me by making me a tool. OK, I know that is not usually a compliment. But to be a tool in God's Hand ... what could be better? A tool for God.

Tools seldom work alone. I know that I did not. I had a network of youth pastor's and we walked together through ministry. We learned from each other. We encouraged each other. We laughed together. We cried together. More than once I sat with one who's wife had left him because she could not take the ministry thing anymore. There was just a lot ... a lot ... that we went through together.

One of these guys wrote a song. At least I think he wrote it. Nobody else would claim it. It was simply called, "The Booger Song." The lyrics? You know you want to know ...

"Sitting at the stop light with nothing to do
You're watching the light ... and I'm watching you
You look sophisticated in your fancy new clothes
And then your index finger disappears up your nose

And I say "Hey! You! You know who you are!
I saw you pick your nose when you were driving your car!
Don't try to deny it, you won't get very far!
I saw you pick your nose when you were driving your car!"

There's more but you get the idea. The guy who wrote that is named Ron too. As a matter-of-fact, my two closest youth pastor friends were named Ron. And so am I. Sometimes we would get together with our wives and if one of them called out to her husband ... chaos ensued.

I got a phone call from "The Booger Song" Ron tonight. I was doing a wedding rehearsal in Wisconsin and I couldn't hear him. So I tried to text message him. He responded with, "I am" and then another one with "I am in du" and nothing else. I didn't understand. About two hours later I was back in my hotel room and I checked my email. I had received an email from the wife of "The Booger Song" Ron. It seems that "d u" is "Duke University" ... as in hospital. My friend had a heart attack tonight. And he reached out to me from ICU on his cell phone and then through text messaging. And somehow I dropped the ball.

Do you know how much I hate that? I would drive to North Carolina for him tonight if he needed me. He's out there visiting friends and I guess things just went badly. His wife tells me that surgery went well and hopefully everything will be OK. They'll know more tomorrow.

But please pray for "The Booger Song" Ron. We've called ourselves "friends to the grave." I don't think he's in immediate danger but somehow I wish we had phrased that pledge differently. Ron's my friend. When I hurt he was there for me. When he hurt I tried to be there for him. The world needs more "Booger Song" Ron's. I wish wish WISH I had stopped whatever I was doing and called him back tonight. I remember thinking that he must be better at picking his nose than he is at text messaging.

But no. He was having a heart attack.

The little drummer girl

My grand daughter is cooler than your grand daughter!

Jesus ... crashing, kicking, plowing ... and waiting

You ever go anyplace you were not invited? Perhaps you "crashed" a party or invited yourself to a friends house when you knew the timing might not be the best. It's a strange feeling, isn't it? I remember intentionally going to the home of a person in a church I served once, knowing that he did not like me. As a matter-of-fact that is precisely why I went. No, I didn't want to confront anybody. I didn't go to sew seeds of discontent or to argue. On the contrary. I hoped ... I prayed ... that my "dropping by" might open the door for new opportunities. Healing. Reconciliation.

It did not work. True, we talked. We swapped a story or two. Still, no headway was made. No healing took place. By all appearances it was a wasted visit. I will never know for sure. All I know is that I tried. Sometimes trying is all you can do. There is no forcing friendship. No coercing companionship. Life does not work that way. Oh that it were so simple.

So it is Christmas Eve. Oh Holy Night. The night that Christ followers celebrate the coming of baby Jesus into a world over flowing with sin, evil, self righteousness, and a blatant rebellion against God. He was not invited. He received no request for a visit.

And yet He came anyway.

He could have come to tell us "how it is." You know. Twist the arms of several billion people. Force the issue. Insist on instant compliance with His plan.

That just isn't His way.

Still. It does not change the facts. "While we were yet sinners Christ died for us." He crashed the party. He kicked in the gate. He plowed the road. He totally opened the way for me ... for you ... to go from "self server" to "Christ follower." But even though the party is crashed, the gate is kicked, and the road is plowed the door knob remains firmly in one hand. Mine. And your door knob remains in yours. Everything on the other side of the hearts door is cleared. The path is ready. Only the door remains to be opened.

And only I can open mine. And only you can open yours.

As for me and my house ... we will serve the Lord. I deeply and sincerely hope that you will join us in that life giving endeavor.

Oh ... and Merry Christmas.

This is why I drive all of the way to St. Louis for Christmas...

Any questions?

I thought not...

Dying of thirst at the water's edge

Water. There isn't any. I turn the faucet on. Nothing. I flush the toilet. Nope. I twist the knob on the shower. Dry. It's been that way since 11:00AM, or so they tell me. Some water pipe in the building burst. I don't know. I didn't see it. I was at my office. All I know is that H20 is missing!

Oh, the oddities of life. That giant compendium of human knowledge known as "Wikipedia" tells me that this big body of water is right outside my door. (As if I haven't mentioned that enough on this blog.) But here are the staggering facts. It's the 10th largest lake on planet earth and the 4th largest by surface area covering 9,940 square miles. It is 241 miles long and, at its widest point, 57 miles wide. That's a lot of liquid, my friend.

And I can't get a drink of water to save my life.

So tell me this. I was FINE until I found out the water was off. Suddenly I'M DYING OF THIRST! My 'fridge has milk, grape juice, orange juice, ginger ale, diet Dr. Pepper (for Debbie's all-to-rare visits,) and a 12 pack of canned Coke. Not only that but by the side of my chair is a mug that holds 55 ounces of my favorite poison ... Coke with a little vanilla mixed in. It's full. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M GOING TO CROAK IF I DON'T DRINK WATER! Oh, did I mention that I also have Hawaiian Punch? And everybody knows that's just red water.

Actually, the water came back on just a few minutes ago. It's ... brown. Or if you are into fashion, khaki. I have khaki water. Anybody care to do laundry? I thought not.

I find myself flashing back to 5:00PM. I stopped at a car wash, put in $3.00 in quarters, and hosed the salt off of my Trail Blazer. My SUV has had a looooong, cold drink. I wish I was a car.

On the up-side I purchased a card table and chairs today. Nearly doubled my furniture if you count each item separately. I'd make a lousy bachelor. Debbie agrees ... I hope.

And my nominee for "Dumb Christmas Song Of The Year" is ...

"Sleigh bells ring ... are you listening?" - No.
"In the lane ... snow is glistening." - It's glistening everywhere, thank you very much.
"A beautiful sight ... we're happy tonight ... walking in a winter wonderland." - Yes, yes, and only when the wind dies down.

"Gone away is the blue bird" - I didn't notice him through all of the suicidal sea gulls. What ARE they doing out there?
"Here to stay is the new bird" - The last "new bird" I saw was a turkey on Thanksgiving and ... mmmm ... delicious!
"He sings a love song as we go along" - I don't think so. All he sang was, "feeling hot, hot, HOT!"
"Walking in a winter wonderland." - Yesterday I stopped walking for just one second and the wind pushed me forward on the ice. I slid toward the door without taking a step. Can we sing, "Sliding in a winter wonderland?"

"In the meadow we can build a snow man" - This I can do. But the scare crow is going to really be hacked-off.
"And pretend that he is Parson Brown" - OK, that's just cheesy. Impersonating a "parson" is just wrong on so many levels.
"He'll say, 'Are you married' we'll say, 'No, man'" - I've yet to walk up to someone and say, "Are you married" just on the spur of the moment. See what happens when you get a cheap "snow parson!"
"But you can do the job when you're in town." - You have a snow-man-parson" who travels? Must be the wind. Or he's haunted. In which case ... burn him.

"Later on, we'll conspire" - A blatant confession. You're going to jail. You'll love the food.
"As we dream by the fire" - Conspiring AND smoking in bed. This isn't going to look good in your permanent file.
"To face unafraid, the plans that we've made, walking in a winter wonderland" - Plans? You just finished the entire song and you never once mentioned plans. You need to lay off the egg nog, big guy.

A New Branch On The Family Tree

Some days go down in the family history book as unbeatable. 5 star days. 2 thumbs up. That is today.

Two years ago tonight my son asked a young lady to go out on a date with him. She said, "yes." They wound up in our kitchen where they baked cookies. Now here is a boy who knows how to date! A cute girl AND chocolate chip cookies!

Tonight he asked her back to make more cookies. The evening started off looking like this ...

As the evening progressed the dough took this form ...

From there it progressed to this ...

And then on to this ...

And ended like this ...

Wow.

And now a personal word from an almost 3 times father-in-law...

Ms. Laura Dawn Rulo ... on behalf of Ron and Debbie Woods ... welcome to our family. I know that I also speak for Kelli, Joe, Scott and Amanda when I say we could not possibly be more pleased, more thrilled, more ecstatic to have you in our family. You know, Joe feels more like my son than my son-in-law. Amanda? She feels like my own flesh and blood. My daughter ... much more than my daughter-in-law. And having you as my new daughter-in-law ... DAUGHTER ... makes me every bit as happy as I was the night Joe asked for Kelli's hand and Scott and Amanda showed us her hand with a stunning ring on it. You are a remarkable young woman. And we are honored that you and Chris are building a new branch on the tree.

With all the love in the world ...

Your new family

Potty Breaks And Poinsettia's

I suppose stranger things have happened. I would be hard-pressed to tell you when. I found the following news article on Fox News.com today.

"David Leggat was stuck in the bathroom at his bowling club with no food or contact with the outside world after the door jammed behind him.

The 55-year-old, who spent 16 hours of each day in darkness, was eventually freed after cleaner Cathy Scollay heard his cries for help and raised the alarm.

"There was no reason for anyone to come looking for him," she said. "David looked awfully grey and shaky when he came out but he managed to walk up the road to his house."

Let's get real for just second. Who hasn't had a nightmare of being locked in a public bathroom? have you ever had to pull on the door especially hard wondering all the while if you would ever be able to open it again? Or have you ever gone into the bathroom of a jet plane, clicked the lock on the door, and wondered what would happen if you could not get it open again?

I have.

Tomorrow I fly from Cleveland back to St. Louis to visit my family for a few days. I am one of those guys who actually enjoys going into the bathroom on an airplane. It is kind of like having your own apartment in the sky. For a few glorious moments you are living high and fast far above planet earth in your own 3 square foot bungalow. You do your duty, wash hands, and pray. And what do you pray? You pray that the door opens. Because the alternative is to know that the next sound you hear will be a flight attendant screaming her lungs out to the rest of the passengers saying " is there mechanic on board?" Much better to give birth at thirty thousand feet ... or even keel over of a heart attack ... than to get stuck in the John. At least that's the way I see it.

On the brighter side, I spent the better part of the morning visiting shut-In's from our church. I just wanted to take them a poinsettia in hopes of bringing a little Christmas cheer into their lives. Purely honorable intentions. Yeah. Well. That didn't work out so hot. It seems that the last one I visited did not want to unchain her door. After looking over the situation I realized I was not going to be able to squeeze the plant through the minuscule opening. Not that it mattered. My new found friend finally opened the door, received her plant, and asked me to thank the pastor for her. I tried to explain to her that I AM the pastor. She would not hear of it. She knows her pastor and I am not him. She finally told me to wait for a second, closed and relocked her door, only to return a few seconds later. She opened the door (leaving the chain intact,) and reached a frail hand through the opening to offer me my one dollar tip. I looked at it long and hard. Yes I was tempted. But no I didn't. I told her we are not allowed to take tips but I would thank the pastor for her, I wished her merry Christmas, and made my way back to my car.

Somewhere out there is a pastor who owes me $5.99.

I-C

To all of my friends back in St. Louis I can only think of one thing to say tonight ...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem. Sorry.

It's just that you all warned me about Cleveland weather. And yes, I'm sure we have had more snow than you have had so far this winter. (Wait. Isn't it still fall?) But .. our kids went to school today. I didn't see any cars slip slide'n away. That's because we didn't have any ICE. None. Nada. Zippo. It was actually a rather nice day. Sunny. Mid- 70's.

OK, I'm lying. It was cloudy, dreary, and the lake looked like the sky which looked like a 3 year old that only had gray in his box of crayons. Tis the season.

Still, the roads were dry and the temps were high. So there. :)

I scored a victory for the little man today. I took on the mighty "Time Warner" cable company and won. It doesn't rhyme or I'd write a new song, I fought the cable company and I won..." I got my bill reduced from $51 per month to $7.25. That, my friend, is a major reduction. All I wanted was the Cleveland channels and they trotted up to my apartment and installed everything digital from channel 2 through something like 7,385. Or close to it. Truth is, I seldom watch anything in Spanish. I have no desire to spend a nano-second with HGTV. I can even live without Mike Rowe and "Dirty Jobs" if I need to. So I axed them all. Can't even get the weather channel. (I do grieve that. Paul Godloe is my hero.)

I learned today that there really is a "Cleveland Clinic." I didn't really doubt it but today I saw it and it's really there. In case you were wondering.

I ate 3 chili dogs today. And a salad. Fine dining, my friend. Fine dining.

And on Wednesday I'm flying to St. Louis to go to the dentist. It's not that they don't have dentists here. They do. It's just that my insurance (through Debbie's work) doesn't pay for them here. So I'll take wings and jet my way to the big guys drill. The screaming and begging for mercy you hear will be me. I'm sure he'll appreciate the chili dogs.

I'll be sure to tell you the awful details in a future edition.

Later ....

10 Things I Know

1. God loves me more than I will ever understand. It's crazy love. I will never figure it out.
2. God deserves more love than my heart is capable of producing. I can love Him "full throttle" and still not love Him enough.
3. Nobody deserves to be forgiven but everybody is offered forgiveness.
4. Sometimes I sit with the simple intent of thinking about God and I have never once been able to reach the bottom of where I think my thoughts are heading. He is simply too deep.
5. Nobody deserves my judgement or trash talk. Most people that I know are far better than I am. And nobody is better able to judge that than I.
6. God loves it when I smile.
7. God wants me to care about others as much as I care about myself. And that means He expects me to care much about myself. Odd, huh? I never would have believed it if He had not said it. ("Love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.")
8. The only true rest is found in His arms. Everything else is counterfeit.
9. Only God is not lying.
10. I could write 10,000 things about God and still not be nearly finished.

A Series Of Video Messages To Debbie

Whole - E - Cow

So I was sitting here about an hour ago video chatting with Debbie. 530 miles isn't so far away that modern technology can't cut it down to size given the right equipment and a little electricity. We were talking about nothing in particular. I think we were on the subject of my "month-a-versary." It was one month ago today that I relocated to Sheffield Lake. And then ...

WHAM!

I thought somebody was knocking at my balcony sliding glass door. Unlikely. Most people would simply ring me from the lobby rather than climb 90 feet up the side of a building.

WHAM!

OK, this was weird.

WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM!

In less than 30 seconds a relatively mild December evening was transformed into a freight train slamming into my window. The lake had been glass-like all day long. It was always dreary and occasionally rainy. No biggie. I have no idea how hard the wind is blowing (and I know I've said this before) but it is the hardest I have heard to date. I peeked through the blinds and there is enough light reflecting from the city off of the clouds to see the lake for about 50 yards off shore. We are talking v-i-o-l-e-n-t here. The temperature is suppose to drop about 20 degrees between now and sunrise. Should make for a nice day. Lake effect snow is on the agenda. Sweet.

It's not so much the wind or Lake Erie that impresses me. Never mind. They do impress me. (I remember growing up in Chicago on really windy days they would string ropes from building to building downtown so that people could cross the street without getting blown away. Yes, really.) But what seriously gets my attention is how God has put His world together in such a way that it can change in an instant. A millisecond. Calm to positively violent. Peaceful to chaotic. And it all happened more quickly than you could sneeze.

But isn't life like that? I visited a precious woman in the hospital late last Friday night. She was very restless and moaning in discomfort. I knew that her time was short but I didn't think that she would be gone by 4:30AM. A mere split second from earth to heaven. That's all it takes.

Only God knows what the next second holds. It might be a big nothing. It might be a storm blasting winter winds against your window. It might be heaven. it might be ... less than heaven if you don't know Jesus. Tonight the gale blowing outside my sliding glass door reminds me of the urgency of the moment. I am so glad that God has brought me here to be "Jesus with skin on" to people. And He has graciously given me some "bread crumbs" along the way to confirm that this is exactly where He was pointing when I headed away from the familiar. Not every moment has been fun but then that is what you call "life."

You know what I want? I mean, in the deepest recesses of my heart, do you know what I long for? I have asked God for it but I almost feel guilty when I do. I mean, I would joyfully come here if He told me to and it was for the purpose of reaching one single soul for Christ. But you know what I deeply, passionately, and intensely want? I want to see God hit one over the wall. I want to see a grand slam by God. I want to see Him take this body of believers that I have joined up with and totally transform the community He has placed us in.

Forgive me for sounding like a youth pastor again ... but that would so rock.