Thursday, December 14, 2006

A Day In The Life Of An Unemployed Guy

8:30am - Wake up. Spend time wondering why you are awake. Remember that you stayed up until nearly 2am last night and you should sleep until 10am in order to get 8 hours. Get up anyway. Drink grape juice and use it to wash down the pills that the doctor insists that you take because you are older than you used to be and your body is kind of burned out. Manage to shower, brush your teeth, etc.

9:15am - Get dressed. Debate about whether to wear the seriously faded jeans, the semi-faded jeans or the regular blue jeans. Since you don't have a 3 sided coin to toss you just choose. Put on the seriously faded jeans. Add a black t-shirt that says "Job's are Over-rater." Cover it with a "Up North" sweat shirt purchased in the wilds of upper Wisconsin. Slide into the New Balance sneakers, grab the usual stuff that goes into the pockets and head out the door.

10:30am - Begin driving to west county where you have a haircut appointment at "The Hair Saloon For Men." First stop at "Hit 'n Run" for the obligatory morning pepsi laced with vanilla. Throw in a small bag of baked lays potato chips. Pay the lady and point the Mustang west. Debate about putting the top down and nix the idea in favor of a blaring stereo and an occasional phone call.

11:15 - Realizing that you are a "non-practicing pastor" debate the merits of swearing at the traffic jam you have gotten yourself into. You are going nowhere but making great time doing it. Find a louder cd and slip it in. Decide against swearing. Or at least decide against admitting it in your blog later today.

11:30 - Traffic is moving again. Look out the drivers side window just as a black saturn pulls up next to you. The driver, a Teenage Idiot, gooses his engine twice and points down the road. He wants to race a gray haired man driving a Mustang. In a freaken 4 cylinder Saturn for cryin out loud! The gray haired man gives the Teenage Idiot the nod and puts pressure on his own accelerator indicating that the race is ON. The Idiot Teenager flashes the thumbs up sign and floors his mighty Saturn just as you turn right and take the exit leading to your appointed haircut. You catch yourself praying that there will be a Missouri Highway Patrolman waiting for The Teenage Idiot about 1/4 mile down the road.

12:08 - After 78 minutes you arrive at your appointment. The drive should have taken 45 minutes. Traffic is cruel.

12:15 - The nice lady behind the counter tells you not to worry because everybody is late. She hands you a complimentary bottle of Aquafina and assigns you to a lady named Emily. Emily takes you into her cubicle and works her magic on your gray hair. She cuts it shorter than ever before but you like it. Then she leans you back, washes your hair, hands you a hot towel (I love this place) and a mint on a tray and says to take your time. she'll meet you out front. You wipe down your face and neck for all of those loose renegade hairs that are hacked off at being seperated from the mother ship. Then you go to the counter, thank Emily, pay her and leave her a decent tip. You ask for her card so that you can request her next time. She didn't screw up your head and didn't insist on trivial conversation while she did her job. That makes her my #1 hair jockey.

1:00pm - Meet an old friend at a local "Lions Choice" for lunch and a heart check. He's an old youth minister who cashed it in about a decade ago when his wife left him for another man. He works for Orkin now. He kills bugs for a living. And he has a nice new wife who is a nurse. He's not happy but he's not sad either. He's just ... there. You love on him and pray for him. You manage to avoid talking about your own recent history and immediate future. You are glad he doesn't ask because you don't really want to go through it again.

1:55 - You arrive home. The loud stereo is once again put to good use.

2:15 - After letting the dog out, getting the mail and just generally putzing around you settle down in front of the boob tube. You tune in the history channel and watch a very cool documentary about how the US built the Hell Cat fighter plane that neutralized the Japanese Zero thus helping to win the war in the pacific in the 1940's. You contemplate getting mad at Japan again and boycotting all Japanese food. Then you realize that you have never eaten Japanese food. You declare the boycott to have begun at birth and to have lasted 51 years so far. You raise your fist into the air and shout, "REMEMBER PEARL HARBOR!" Bailey The Killer Beagle" gets scared and runs into her cage. You make a mental note to check and see if Beagle's are of Japanese descent.

3:35 - The little Mrs. arrives home. It is now time to resume real life. You ask how her day was and she tells you. You issue her a coveted "Poor Sweet Baby." She ignores you and focuses on Dr. Phil. She has earned it and so you leave her alone.

And so the free part of the day is now gone. 10 minutes ago you were nobody. You could swear (not that I would) tease a Saturn into a bogus road race, cry with a friend, watch history. Heck, you could do anything you want! But now the best part of the day comes and you are no longer a nobody. You are a husband. Soon your youngest son will come home and as you watch him make a speedy exit to his room and his coved X-Box you also become an active dad.

And so as the clock presses toward midnight you review the day. You did not hurt anyone. You did not wreck anything. You cared about and loved the people you were with. You avoided getting angry about things that deserve your anger. You avoid telling people about things that have made you angry. You took the high road.

All in all ... not a bad day. And tomorrow ... I'm going to Office Max. Alone. Let the good times roll ....


Daniel said...

Isn't it, GLORIOUS! You forgot to add the part wher after you ask your wife how her day was, you look at her and zone out because you have no idea what she is talking about!