Maybe I'll get lucky and die in my sleep tonight

HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS PURE, GOOD AND RIGHT. WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT? I HAVE BEEN OVER RUN BY ANKLE BITERS! I HAVE BEEN ASSAULTED BY RUG RATS! I HAVE DONE BATTLE WITH THE EVIL LEGIONS OF THE NETHER WORLD! AND THEY ARE ONLY 7 YEARS OLD! WHO KNEW?

Today I was a substitute teacher. In the morning I was with these 6th and 7th graders that are ... less than cooperative. I don't know exactly what they call them but they are not considered behavioral disorder kids. They are some where in between. You know what that means? It means we get along just fine. Really. Some are obnoxious and I can be too. Some are really nice and I can be too. So we pretty much click. They frown, I snarl. They snarl, I growl. They growl, I snap. They snap, I call the office. Shaddup. It works.

Then at 11:30 the teacher came back from wherever she was and I was sent down to the 2nd graders. They let me go to lunch and then I showed up at their room. The teacher, who is a friend of mine, gave me a quick briefing of the afternoon and then she was gone. I was cool. I was in charge. I'm the teacher.

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL THE 2ND GRADERS THAT?????

Those kids are dangerous! They don't mean to be ... but that does not make it any less true. They just want your attention. They like it when the teacher likes them. But there is this thing about 2nd graders. THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT "SIT DOWN" MEANS. THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND "BE QUIET." If you yell, "SHADDUP!" they cry. They get up and walk around the room just because the room is there. (They are two year olds in Nike's!) They raise their hands to answer the questions I ask even though they don't know the answer just because they want me to look at them. They tell you what the "real" teacher would do if she were there. That's when I point out ... "she ain't here so we are going to do it my way!" Who knew that 2nd graders would know that "ain't" ain't a real word. Oh, but they alllll told me. One at a freaken time.

And you know what I was supposed to teach these terrorists? Math. I don't know anything about math. I own 7 calculators! They called it "arithmetic" when I was in 2nd grade. Arithmetic I can do. Math? No way. Ok, we were only doing the "2 times" stuff, but still. I know how to do the "2 times" stuff but I've never tried to explain it to a 2nd grader before. You know what? THEY DON'T GET IT. It took me ten minutes to explain why 2 X 0 = 0. TEN MINUTES! I have explained the book of Revelations in ten minutes. Ok, not really. But close. Then I started them doing a work sheet the teacher had left. And guess what? I totally screwed it up. No, the 2nd graders didn't screw it up. The teacher didn't give bad instructions and screw it up. I screwed it up. The substitute teacher. The one with the degree. I mumbled something about our being out of time and told them to please file their papers in the big round can on the way out the door for recess. Some wise guy told me that the round can was only for garbage. I told her that maybe Mrs. Orr uses it for garbage but I am the teacher today and I am collecting their homework in it. She cried.. Can you say "touchy?" So I got them all lined up for recess when another teacher walking by in the hall mentioned that it was raining and that Mrs. Orr had recess duty today and that since she wasn't there ... I had recess duty in her place. Oh. Ok. I vaguely remember that she might have mentioned that to me. She offered to go get a tv/vcr for us. I thanked her, sent the kids to go potty (after they left I realized I had no idea where the bathrooms were or how many kids were in my class ... I'm still not sure there aren't some still in there) and waited for the arrival of the equipment. It arrived on time. Guess what? Wouldn't you think there would be a movie or documentary or SOMETHING in the VCR? A Shakespeare play would have been fine. Wouldn't you think the teacher would BRING SOMETHING WITH HER? Sure you would. But nope. Nada. I now had three classes of 2nd graders in front of me and no e-stinken movie to watch. This is where you groan in group sympathy for me. (Alright, to be honest they finally found a mini-movie and we watched part of it. But they nearly rioted when I turned it off so we could continue with ... math.)

Ok, so we survived. And I swore at that moment that I would never, NEVER, never sub for 2nd graders again. And then when I got home I checked my email and found out I had already been assigned the same class ... tomorrow. AAARRRGGGHHH. Different teacher ... same age. That means all new kids. Kids I have not scared yet. Oh my.

I would rather be drug by mad dogs around the course of the Boston Marathon than sub for 2nd graders. I would rather play goalie for the Blue's .... without pads ... than sub for 2nd graders. I would rather be covered with peanut butter ... and OH how I hate peanut butter ... and licked clean by coyote's than sub for 2nd graders. I would rather sub for a behavioral disorder class all day than sub for 2nd graders for one hour. I DON'T WANT TO SUB FOR 2ND GRADERS ANY MORE!

Are you picking up my point here? Are you getting my drift?

Ok. I can do this. It's just me and 25 of them. No problem. I have had worse odds in deacon's meetings. I only have them for the afternoon. Piece of cake.

Who am I kidding? I have not said this in years, but … I DON’T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!

(PS to Jenny ... remember ... I love ya. This is all "tongue in cheek." Maybe.)