Thursday, May 01, 2008

Dale and Billy

Tonight Debbie and I find ourselves in Charlotte, North Carolina. We are on the way to the wedding of a verrrrry long time family friend. (Hi Dani!) I will be performing her nuptials on the beach on Isle of Palms, S.C. this Sunday evening. Any way you cut it that's a cool name. "Isle of Palms." Unfortunately, I left mine at home. I brought my wrists but totally forgot my palms. Come to think of it, my phone doubles as a "Palm."

Which brings me to an entirely different and immensely painful story.

In the last 24 hours I've broken a tooth and a cell phone. Both of them got fixed this morning. One by the dentist (God bless him) and one by a Sprint manager that swapped my phone out for a new one. (They've had to do that 5 times in the last 11 months. They finally wised up and gave me a different model.) Anyway, the cell phone (aka: Palm) doesn't hurt tonight. Can't say the same for the tooth.

And then there is North Carolina. I've already learned that there are two things that you don't do in Charlotte. You don't speak unkindly of Dale Earnhart or Billy Graham. In that order. The fashion in which I learned this will go with me to my grave.

I also learned that as soon as you cross the state line into West Virginia you start craving chewing tobacco. Never mind that I've never chewed tobacco in my life. I still had a hankering for it. (Ha! I said "hankering!") I didn't try any. I did spit a few times though. You know, just to get the general feel. It wasn't altogether unpleasant. Well, unless you were driving in the car behind me.

Speaking of driving. Generally, "Sophie the GPS" lies. Not too long ago she told me to make a u-turn on an expressway exit ramp. I thought this a bad idea. Sophie and I have a love/hate relationship. Tonight she wanted me to get off of the expressway 25 miles before we got to our hotel ... which is ON (actually, beside) the expressway. I thought that folly. Then she told me that there was a huge traffic jam a few miles ahead. I laughed at her silliness. I passed right by two exits when she told me to get off and save myself from jam-dom. We were out in the country, for crying out loud.

And then traffic stopped. I didn't say, "And then traffic slowed down." I said, "And then traffic stopped." And it sat there for 31 minutes before it started to move. That's exactly how long Sophie told me the jam was lasting. Tomorrow if Sophie tells me to take a left into the ocean I will be taking a left into the ocean. If she tells me to cash in my retirement and invest in egg salad, I will cash in my retirement and invest in egg salad. (Did I mention that egg salad is the only thing I can eat because I have this tooth ache?)

Sophie rules. (Right after Dale and Billy.)


Anonymous said...

i can't believe that you sold out on the palm.

Ron said...

No. The palm sold out on me.