Today

Today I did laundry. 5 loads. I am a hero husband or a total wuss. Poles open at 6:00 AM. Vote early. Vote often.

Today I ate pizza. "Mama Santa's" from Cleveland's "Little Italy." It's awesome for Cleveland pizza. (We must all learn to adjust.) And then I purchased a picture of a young Frank Sinatra standing in a doorway. A sign over his head says, "Miguel Santos: Attorney --- Divorce your loved one with dignity." How can you NOT buy that? It is irony of the finest order! The sweet little ancient Italian woman that sold it to me asked if I am a lawyer. I told her that I was not. I am a pastor. She began making "Pffft. Pffft. Pffft." noises. I do not know what that means. I also find it slightly fascinating that the picture was purchased in Little Italy ... which is nearly as Italian as Rome ... and yet the picture frame is made of bamboo.

Today I watched "Juno." You know what happened. It made me severely miss being a youth pastor. I really had not missed it yet. But I wanted to sit down next to that kid (Juno) put my arm around her and tell her how her life can be better. I don't think you ever get over being able to help someone at that level.

Today I started to throw my $29.99 Timex wrist watch off our balcony. Ever since Scott "fixed" it for me it beeps every hour on the hour and the alarm goes off every time it is 3:40. I had all I could take, grabbed it and ran out the patio door ready to hurl it toward the lake. That's when I noticed I was getting the old "stink eye" again from ... someone who shall remain nameless. Tonight the watch is in the bottom of my sock drawer. It's just waiting ... waiting ... waiting.

Today I climbed the stairs to our apartment four times for a total of 36 floors. And that does not count going down.

As Calvin and Hobbs once said ... "The Days Are Just Packed...."

Primp My Bride

Look what followed me home! They had a $5.99 special down at "We Cut Hair" and I had them "Primp My Bride." I got myself a new cut too. Here she is ...




And here's my new look ...


She got more for her money.

"The Raven" Poorly Revisited 4 Years Later (With apologies to Edgar)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary
I did tend to faint from furious memories of ill-gotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
Sounding like some mouth gone yapping, yapping at my office door.
'Tis some member," I muttered, "yapping at my office door -
Only this, and who needs more?"

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak November,
And each angry griping member reviled curses at the door,
Eagerly I wished the morrow; -prayed and wept heart filled with sorrow
From the charges time would borrow - borrow for the lost pas-tor.
For the fallen miserable fellow to whom the chosen came to bellow-
Nameless here for evermore.

All our lives he has branded, all our efforts turned empty handed
And his failings no longer candid did press receive in print and pixel galore,
I am remiss in not dismissing - much the poorer for venom hissing
The action of the beggar failing - failing in a glory not seen before.
'Tis my empty heart yearning for a distant glory shore -
A shore of rest not known before.

And from four years a distant thought has once more my attention sought
Now dare I take it's lying hand and lead it once again into the fore
Neigh, I it turn back unrecognized, the pain that once antagonized
The every beat upon my office door - the clamor of a self-righteous bore.
It is an evil without parallel far surpassing the one who fell
And it screams for the blood of those it did once adore

I turn my back on evil barking that forever is loudly harking
Demanding pay for tragedy gone before
I cast my eyes unto the glory of the One Who wrote The Story
Who hung dying for the failure we deplore.
I recall the scream of "crucify him" in anxious attempt to finally try him
In hopes of sleep in innocence once more.

'Tis the evil inside each one ... our own Raven ... our smoking gun
But not this time, I will not listen, I'll turn the gloom to the suns sweet glisten
I'll look behind and look before me, twist the neck of that which tore me
And bid adieu from my distant shore
As I quote that Raven ... NEVER MORE.

Debbie's first blog

My husband drove me 42 miles for lunch and all I got was this lousy sammich.


Then he took me home and made me stand on the balcony during a tornado warning so I could see the lightening over the lake.

Just another risky day in the life of Debbie Woods ... housewife.

Politics for toddlers

"What IS John McCain doing?" Kelli ... if you don't blog it ... I will. The story must be told!

10 Items or less... (Part 2)

10 Items or less that are just wrong and should be dealt with appropriately ...

- Every human being is allowed a minimum of 18 inches of clear "air space" around them. Violate the space? You get sprayed with "Pam" so you can just sliiiiiiiiiiide away.
- Stand at the "Red Box" for more than 5 minutes and get towed. No, not your car. You.
- Random dreams. Not so good. Dreams should be like going to the movies. You look at the marquis of choices, make your selection, have your dream.
- Pepsi means Pepsi and Coke means Coke. No, Pepsi is not okay. I ordered Coke. You carry 50 kinds of wine why can't you carry 2 kinds of cola?
- Mr Policeman, if you are going to take my picture at stop lights I should be able to take your picture at donut shops.
- You want to "save a tree?" Stop telling me to recycle my gum wrapper and go after the guy who fills my mail box with 50 pages of junk mail every day. Holy cow. Why hasn't Al Gore noticed this?
- Why should I have to PAY CostCo or Sams to shop there? Why should I give them my money to take my money? Am I the only person that thinks this is odd?
- Toll Roads = Evil. You KNOW we've paid them off at least 20 times and yet we keep paying and paying and paying ...
- Okay, tipping makes me angry. I do it because I feel sorry for the poor lady trying to raise 3 kids on minimum wage. BUT ... why can't restaurants pay their employees like most every other company does? Who told them it was alright to stiff their workers because, "Hey, let's let the customer pay them. Oh, and only offer one kind of cola too." What if the airlines did this? We'd be tipping the pilots based upon the delay (or occasional lack thereof) and how smooth the ride was. That means their families would starve. What if we treated surgeons this way? "Hey, Doc. The smaller the scar the more I'm paying you. So let's be careful down there, huh?"
- Gas stations that change prices 3 times each day. I don't think I need to say anymore about this one.

10 Items or less...

10 Items or less that are so fine they should never be messed with ...

- Biscuits and gravy
- Curvy roads with lots of trees
- Receiving a spontaneous e-mail for no purpose other than to tell you that you are cared about (NOT EVER a "forward)
- Neighbors that will linger in the hallway for friendly conversation
- A dream that you are disappointed about waking up in the middle of and actually being able to go back to sleep and re-enter it
- Sunshine, blue sky, gentle breeze and temps perfect for a hoodie
- Coke with fizz so serious that it actually burns on the first swallow
- A friend who comes looking for you
- Watching an entire season of "Rocky and Bullwinkle" without interruption
- Actually knowing the answer

Click The Link...

My son-in-law is better than your son-in-law. (If you have one.) He takes good care of my daughter and my granddaughter. Not only that but I happen to love him just because of the guy he is.

But I digress.

Joe is on staff at the 1st E-Free Church of West County ... or something like that. He's a tech guy. And he mentioned to me recently that my little blog ... the one you are reading right now ... is number 10 on the top referral sites for his church web site. We both thought that was funny. Then it occurred to me ... "WHAT THE ... NUMBER 10? Why just number 10? I want the whole enchilada!"

So would you do me a favor. It's free. On the right you will see a link to my "My daughter Kelli's church web site." It's listed under "Web sites I hang out at." Would you please click that link. Better yet, would you please click that link on every computer you own. Just for the next week. You see, I want good old Joe to check his stats and find our that my blog is now ... NUMBER ONE! I want him to totally be IN AWE OF ME! I want ... I want ... I want him to buy me dinner!!!!

Okay, that might be asking a bit too much. But do me a favor. Click the link. Pretty please? I'd really appreciate the help. :) And it isn't really cheating. It's just ... creative clickery.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Stupid Picture Chronicles #19

Oh? Really? I hadn't noticed anything tricky about it.

Stupid Picture Chronicles #18

I just love this. It is a sign at a railroad crossing in Avon Lake, Ohio. The tracks are on top of a rather steep incline on both sides. In other words, it's on a hill. The sign is "worried" about trucks crossing the tracks and getting stuck ... or worse yet, all busted up ... on top of the tracks. I guess this would leave the wheels dangling on each side of the tracks while locomotive from hades comes bearing down on it. But what I really, REALLY love is the little "ooowie!" arrows on top of the stuck truck. 'Cause, as we all know, trucks are only human, and as such, experience a range of emotions including pain.

Riiiiight.

Beating the Cleveland infidels ... uh ... I mean Indians

What can I say? The sox go 0-2 here in Cleveland to begin the season. I pay attention but, hey, I have a life. They have to be big boys, ya know? Today however, I'm free. Debbie, Scott and I go to "The Prog" for game #3. Final score? Sox 2, Indians 1. I just had to give them "the talk." Hopefully they'll recognize this as the turning point of the season and cut me a full share of their World Series bonuses. That will be thanks enough.

Things I Wish I Had Done First Picture Chronicles #1

Why, why, why can't I figure out how to have this much fun...

The Joe & Elle Show

Many of you don't know my son-in-law, Joe. He plays (tours, records, drives insane amounts of mile) with a band named "The Fundamental Elements." You can catch them on "youtube." And then there is the worlds best granddaughter, Elle. They took this brief video and my daughter, Kelli, posted it on her blog. Well, you may not know them so you just might miss the best father/daughter instrumental in history ... at least when the daughter is only 21 months old. So ... presenting ... "The Joe and Elle Show!"

Playing Ball @ The Prog

It is indeed a new day. It is March 31, 2008, better known around the country as "Opening Day." This is the day when "The Boys of Summer" will don their uniforms, trot onto the field, and as the gladiators of old, do battle with the opposition.

It is also the first time in twenty-five years that I have not worn a Chicago Cubs jersey (or at least t-shirt) on opening day. "Why" you ask? Simple. Nobody in Cleveland gives a rip about the Cubs. To Indian fans the Cubs might as well be some team that plays in Tokyo. They just don't register on any richter scale. Now in St. Louis it was an entirely different story! By flying my Cubs colors I could keep a conversation going all day long. You see ... it's all about causing havoc! It's about mentally tormenting the opposition. No matter that the Cubs consistently fell flat on their faces throughout those years. On opening day ... no body was really sure what was going to happen.

And now I find myself on the outskirts of Cleveland, home of the dreaded (sic) Indians. Over the winter they snatched away the name of their beloved ballpark, "The Jake" (short for Jacob's Field) and replaced it with "Progressive Park" (long for "The Prog.") There is still a lot of moaning going on locally about that. I feel their pain. Wrigley Field is threatening to rename the wonderfully friendly confines something like, "Malox Memorial Stadium," "Pepto Bismol Park," or "Depends Field."

Oh, the pain.

So anyway, here I sits at my desk in the office today all decked out in my "White Sox" jersey. Why? Because the White Sox are the worthy opponents of the Indians on this opening day. They are also the mortal enemy of the home team. I understand that people here in my adopted hometown will not smile upon my decision to wear the black and silver. Rumor has it that I am risking life and limb. Geez, people. It's baseball. Get over it.

You know, I still bleed Cubbie Blue. But I'm forced to scream loud and long for the White Sox this year. It's the only way I can possibly cause trouble around here. I can't picture a season without tormenting the locals. I've been ruined by being away from Chicago for 25 years. My job is to be a missionary for Chicago baseball, reaching out to the heathen masses in the cities worshipping at the altar of pagan teams.

But here is a question that I need answered. My two teams are from Chicago. (I know, you aren't suppose to be able to do that. But I'm doing it. So deal with it.) When I moved away from Chicago, God placed me in the hometown of the baseball team that I despise the most ... the Evil Cardinals. I put up with that for 24 years. And now God moves me again. And He plops me down in the hometown of the nemesis of my second favorite team ... The Indians. Is God trying to tell me something? And if so ... what? I need a bit of help on this one. ONLY Cubs and White Sox fans are invited to reply. The rest of you just sit quietly and behave yourselves.

Scott is flying in on Wednesday. He, Debbie and I will be going to "The Prog" for Thursday's game. It might snow. It might rain. It WILL be cold. The wind WILL blow. The Prog is just a couple of blocks from Lake Erie where the wind always ALWAYS always blows.

Opening day. Man, I miss Harry Caray.

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

A friends blog has prompted me to take action. There is a time to talk and a time to act. Now is that time.

I want to build a trebuchet. The word itself is of "middle english" origin having been translated from an old French word, "trebucher" or "over thrower."


A trebuchet is a machine used in medieval warfare and was used for hurling large stones or other objects.


It is the "other objects" that have caught my attention. Having learned from reliable sources (thank you, Mr. Mayor,) that Sheffield Lake is a mere 31 miles away from Canada by water, I have decided that the time has come for me to leave my mark on our neighbors to the north. They are, after all, simply "America's hat."

Tonight I ate Lake Erie Perch for the first time. The sign in front of the restaurant said that the fish are certified. I asked the waitress if I could see their papers of certification. She said their dog ate them. I'm doubting it. Therefore, I am building a trebuchet. I plan on catching all of the Lake Erie Perch that I can this summer. Certified or not. And then ... then I am going to load them up, position the counter-weight, hit the lever ... and pelt Canada with Perch. One at a time. To the best of my knowledge this has never been attempted before. However, I have it from OTHER reliable sources that Ontario just issued their first "Perch Watch." This means that conditions are right for the formation of Perch over the skies of the province of Ontario. Should this happen a "Perch Warning" would be issued. At that time citizens of Canada will be given instructions on how to withstand the onslaught of Perch. I suppose they will be sent to the center of their homes on the lowest level. Perhaps hiding in the bathtub would help, though, upon further reflection, that is probably where the Perch will attempt to land. Especially if their is water in the tub. They will be told to never attempt to out run falling Perch and in the unfortunate event that they are caught out of doors they should lie flat in a ditch or the lowest piece of ground available. I wonder if doppler radar will detect Perch?


This is going to be an amazing summer.

Losing Your Religion

A church in Naperville, Illinois, is doing a sermon series on "Losing Your Religion." This is the video they showed on Easter Sunday. Me like.

In-Law's and Elle

I have the best in-laws in the world and they are visiting with us this weekend. They arrived this afternoon from Richmond, Virginia. We blew the bank wide open and took them to "5 Guys" for supper. Burgers to die for. Cost almost $20 but they (the in-laws) are so worth it. We even got extra fries! Then we went to their hotel with them where we sang several versions of "the birthday song" for my father-in-law who is turning a remarkably young 75 on Saturday. The cake was stupendous! Tomorrow after I get off of work we are going to give them the tour of Cleveland. Shouldn't take too long, seeing as how I don't know my way around.

And then there is Elle. Here's the latest picture of the Granddaughter of the Century! Yes, it's true. I am her favorite. She screams (in a good way) when she sees me. (Many people scream but it's not the same.) If the world were full of more Elle's this would be a very pleasant planet...

K-K-K-KATIE!

How can you not love a girl wearing "moon shoes?"

Me -1 / Moe - 0

Evidently Larry and Curly spoke up on my behalf because Moe caved in. My burrito's reverted to their normal price and my bank account was credited the deeply missed $172. You know, you'd think they'd at least offer you a free taco after holding your money for six days. Wouldn't you? Nada. Not even a free cup for ice.

I trust this isn't representative of the entire Mexican culture. Nah.

You may now resume eating at Moe's. Just pay cash. And count your change.

Spring sprung a leak

Spring. Tomorrow it is spring. My balcony disagrees. And how heavy does snow have to be to prompt you to wear a bright orange "road construction vest" when you walk your dog?